Grandmam

A friend of mine recently lost her Grandmother and it made me think of my own.  I often wonder "why" things happen, which I know isn't good but it's in my nature.  One "why" has always been the death of my Grandmother; Grandmam.  Granted, I know everything happens for a reason and I'm not really asking why. God has his reasons, but she was such a pivotal person and so important in my life.  Why did she leave after only guiding me 17 years?

I have always wanted Grandmam to meet Jim... see the kids grow.  I miss her.  I've always thought highly of my parents and all they have done for my brothers and me... how well they raised us.  However, stepping beyond my immediate upbringing, I feel like so much of my character was shaped by Grandmam.  She was a top notch person... there's no other way to put it.  Her faith was undeniable.  Her food, phenomenal.  Her dedication to Grandpap, despite how bonkers her drove her (I can still hear the annoyed and flustered "Bob!" in my head) was crystal clear.  She lead my example.  Plain and simple.

She was active, social, devout, kind, loving, helpful, humble, meek... pick a beatitude: that was Grandmam. I know you aren't supposed to assume that people are in Heaven, but I'd put money on the fact that Grandmam made it there.  And... along those lines, I fully intend to try to live my life well so I can join her when my time is up.  I can't wait.  (Well, I can but you know what I mean.)

I remember her going to daily Mass followed by brunch with her lady friends, helping with Bingo, cooking chicken soup, and bending over backwards to give everyone her best.  Being completely frank, I think that's what checked her out early.  She was a giver. She gave and gave and gave until the end.  I hope I can eventually get over my selfishness and give like she did.  I have heard that she was a yeller and that's my biggest thing I work on: not yelling.  But ya know, it kind of gives me hope.  If Grandmam was strict and a yeller, maybe I'm doing ok after all and will be able to follow in her footsteps.

Death stinks. It just does.  It doesn't matter how old someone is, or how long they have been sick, or how much pain they were in, or how fast they went... it is still hard.  This year was the first time that Grandmam's death day passed and I was only filled with positive peaceful memories and it was absolutely wonderful.  However, I still miss her and if I could sit down with her tonight and just talk, I'd give anything in the world to do it.

I do feel blessed that I had her in my life longer than any other grandchild of hers.  I do feel like she left enough of an imprint in me that I've locked her away and reference when needed.  She is guiding me now more than ever, and she's been gone for over a decade.  My greatest hope would be to lead by example and have a positive effect on my children or grandchildren one day.  She has absolutely no idea how incredibly pivotal she was.  None.  What an amazing person.