More on My Journey

So yanno how I told you about how I was not happy about Elizabeth's pregnancy and was overwhelmed and generally not in a good place?  She then proved me wrong and rocks at life?  I totally understand God's plan on her arrival.  Well if you don't remember, it's here. 

I was thinking about it recently and more popped into my head about that topic. I flashed back to her delivery.  It was an induction.  The little stinker wasn't here on her due date so Dr. P wanted her out.  He isn't comfortable with babies baking much past your due date and if you are progressing prior to your due date, he induces. 

Anyway, we went in for her induction and I remember her labor being relatively easy.  I waited too long to ask for the epidural and ended up in more pain than I wanted.  I wasn't happy about that, probably because I'm a big ole wimp.  Plenty of women do it natural. Nooot me.  So I wasn't a happy camper then and then it came time to push and I remember feeling so detached thinking "I so don't want to be doing this right now.  I don't feel like pushing.  I don't want to be working this hard.  I just don't want to."  Yeah, the ::insert massive sarcasm:: whopping SEVEN minutes pushing were killer. ::eye roll:: But I just still wasn't there.

And then she was born and I remember this fleeting not-so-positive feeling of "And now I have to care for her."  Let me tell you, I think I cover things insanely well (I think) because I didn't even really realize I felt that way until recently.  I'm sure I appeared as the typical tired-but-elated new mom.  I had just had my first girl! Yay, right?!  Um, yeah.  

However, a moment of change eventually happened.  Sometime in those 24 hours that I was in the hospital the switch occurred.  I spent basically the whole time with my mom.  She provided company and help with Elizabeth.  She even stayed through the night and I think I was able to regroup and appreciate the beauty of my precious baby girl.

I was discharged when she was 26 hours old and went home.  About an hour after being home June declared that he was having "throwin' ups." (he didn't) That was my push over the edge and my final plunge into the beautiful world of Elizbaeth... God's gift. (that's sappy, I don't care... this is growth of the human spirit people!)

A bit later I went up to bed with Elizabeth.  She drifted off to sleep and I cried.  I was so overwhelmed. I was afraid that the boys were still sick.  I was home a DAY after giving birth... home to a house of a 3 year old, 1 year old, and new new newborn.  Jim comforted me and told me to turn my focus to Elizabeth and I did.  She became my safe place.  She was healthy and beautiful and a break from the daily chaos.  Since then I've enjoyed the peace that a baby brings.  I appreciate her tininess, her needs, her utter dependance on me.  It's a huge responsibility to care for an infant and I finally respect that.  I'm not walking through the motions, but really living life as a new mom (again) by showing her love, compassion, and the complete care she deserves.  I wish I was that clear headed when the boys were babies.

All the internal struggle that I've gone through in the last few years came to a head and I am coming out the other side.  I still hold that the transition to 3 has been rough and I'm still working on being the mom I desire to be.  The mom my kids deserve.  The mom that will create responsible kids who have a respect for those around them and grow up to be good people.  I want their hearts and I need to keep improving myself to get there.  I'm still rough around the edges, but if the growth I've experienced with Elizabeth is any sign, I'm on my way!  And that is pretty awesome.  These kids deserve a kick-butt life and I can give it to them... and I will.  I just have to keep trying.

So amidst everything, I still hold that God has one major plan.  I see glimmers of it.  Elizabeth seemed like such an inconvenience and she has been the biggest blessing to our family.  She is teaching me to be a better mom and all our subsequent children will have her to thank.  I'm sure is already teaching her brothers more than I realize in terms of patience, sharing and being gentle as well.  Those boys are such a blessing too, but I have a feeling they aren't done teaching me... There is a process going on with those 2, but I'm ready for it.

So I don't know where this blog really ended up, but I'm learning, and growing, and trying, and striving, and God, above all, is providing.