I'm getting "older." No I'm not old but I'm starting to appreciate my kids and really appreciate the fleeting baby stage and I am starting to long for another to really soak in those precious times. And yanno, for the first time, it's not the belly and attention of pregnancy that is in the forefront of my mind (bc selfishly, I loooooove toting around a big old belly and getting nice comments, I'm human and a ago centered on at that!)... it's the baby that comes at the end. I long for that little one. That bundle of perfection that relies on me to thrive.
It's also the miscarriage. I'm still sad sometimes. Something is missing. Jim doesn't get it.. most people wouldn't. I was pregnant. I would be 11 weeks 3 days right now (but who's counting...). I was anticipating another one albeit another close-gap one, but another all the same. And now that I'm not pregnant and now that our closest gap would be 2 year,s my body and self is wanting another. Not logical, not rational, but biological. I had a baby. I was preparing for a baby. I want a baby. Mine was taken away and I have a void until I can anticipate our next little one.
And part of it is all these labors and newborns that are cropping up right now (I've had 5 friends deliver since Sunday). This part does not make me sad. I love seeing the photos and hearing the updates but there is something inside me that screams "EEEEEEEEEE BABY!" when I see the photos. <3 There is nothing like a newborn. ::love love love::
So I think I can safely say that I have a mild case of baby fever. I say mild, because there is a teeny weeny part of me that reminds "a larger gap, given by God, is NOT a bad thing... enjoy the sanity before feeling barfy for 4 months, then huge for 5 months, then sleep deprived for a year." That part of me has a point. Tu shay. And I guess a gap gives us a bit of financial room too... but you can't reason with the biological clock of a woman.
Now, the silver lining? This will be the first time that I will be excited to see a pregnancy test. There is anticipation and nervousness. Will my next pregnancy stick? Will it go smoothly like my 1st 3 or be like my 4th? What will the gap be if it's a healthy pregnancy? Will we end up with a boy or girl? But I think I will really look forward to our 4th newborn. Hopefully Roch can pull some strings and have this next pregnancy go smoothly. Maybe he can even calm daddy's nerves for us. Jim doesn't exactly have the same baby fever as I do. :X
But yeah... nothing like thoughts straight out of my head, eh? You should hear what goes on in hear all day, every day. Woo. I'm something else.
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