It's Sinking In

So... through the years I've heard things like "enjoy them" and "this is the best time of your life."  Meanwhile I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry.  Dust and smudges seem to sneak attack me at every corner, consuming 99% of my "down time" to eradicate that problem and I'm just plain overworked and underpaid, c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y moving and doing something.   If I'm not changing a diaper or feeding someone, I'm breaking up a fight, lending a hand and trying to plow through the day getting "everything" accomplished.  It's exhausting.

Roll your eyes and throw me a pity party... but raising a young family with multiple kids close in age is HARD!  You don't hear that from the moms of 10-20 who have big kids to help, but the beginning of a big family is labor and lots of selfless hard work.  It just is.  So when I heard comments like those above I could "see" what they meant, but my days were just too consuming to do anything but go through the motions.  I wasn't enjoying much of the process.  I wasn't truly enjoying my kids.  Then a few things happened:

We lost Roch.  At that point the whirlwind of babies halted. The cycle of babies every 20 months was suddenly stopped and the last gap erased. A breather was placed in.  Odd, sad, and refreshing all at the same time.

Then we got a few more months extra of a break without pregnancy (still are).  Still weird, but it's a teaching gap. Appreciated and being well used to gain sanity and slow down a bit.

Then I ordered a baby cradle blanket.

A what?!

A blanket.  For a doll cradle.

I ordered a blanket. I did.

And yes, this has everything to do with this post.

And what I didn't realize was that at the other end of that computer transaction, sat a kindly, wise, smart lady who imparted knowledge that will stick with me... forever.

I mentioned that I had 3 kids close in age and that the blanket was for my youngest, my first girl.  She emailed me back this:

Oh Susie,
Three kids four and under.........these are the best times of your life..............take the time, lots of time to enjoy those kids. By the time you turn around, they will be out in the world. We had 3 little ones close in age, and I know you get all too busy just doing 'maintenance' on them (feeding, changing, bathing), that it is so easy to miss the wonder of every day as seen through their eyes....
Oh, I must not go on. But really, they will never remember if the house was perfectly clean or not, but they will remember the times you got down on the floor and played with them.................
Well, enough nostalgia and motherly (grandmotherly) rambling...

Ev


I admitted to her my "AHHHHHHHH" feeling sometimes and she wrote this:

It sounds like you are doing a good job. It is so important that you are the one home with them. No matter how good daycare is, or babysitters, etc., no one loves your kids as much as their parents do.
Just keep on loving them...that is the most important thing you can do...let them know that you love them 'forever and ever', "to the moon and back".
Blessings to your family....and thanks for the nice note.
Sometimes I tend do go onandonandonandon.
Ev

I don't know why her emails hit me while hearing the same things 100 other times didn't but she struck a chord.  The timing was right.  I'm not counting down until I'm in newborn-land again, I'm not morning sick, I'm not (excessively) tired, I'm actually in a good place.  I really heard her words.

She's right.  These kids are mine.  M.i.n.e. I know what they do and who they are with.  My biggest concern is potty accidents and curbing bully behavior.  I'm not worried about drugs, alcohol, bad crowds, and everything else that moves in when they become part of the world.  Even more, I'm not running them to practice or under the gun to make sure hours of schooling gets in everyday.

We play.  We go to parks.  We go out for lunch.  I rock Elizabeth.  I read books.  I play chef as I feed them meals.  We bake.  We learn.  We talk.  We giggle.  We can be silly.  There is so much refreshing innocence that I can finally see and enjoy.  I'm yelling less... I'm coming down from my craziness that consumed me for the last few years.  I'm enjoying life.  I'm enjoying them.  They are all amazing and I'm blessed.
More than anything, I'm thankful that I've realized this.  I could have kept going through the motions and passed through their childhood years without really being a part of it.  Here I am... soaking them in.

Sure it's frazzling.  Josh is 3 and ohhhhhhhh 3 is fun ::sarcasm::  June is still strong willed and sensitive all rolled into one, which is sometimes trying.  June and Josh fight... bahhhh... and Eliz is into things and loud!  So things are not roses and rainbows.  I don't wake up singing to them and always talk in a sweet voice and never get pushed over the edge, but boy oh boy has my perspective changed.

I'm thankful for this gap... I'm not thankful that we lost a baby, at all, but I'm thankful for the peace that it has brought the rest of us in terms of a slower and more pleasant pace of life because for the first time *I* am really here and loving it.

I'm blessed... He sure knows what He's doing.