Homeschool Conundrum

To homeschool or not to homeschool... THAT is the question.

I have wanted to homeschool since I was in college.  I knew I'd never "use" my bachelors degree in the traditional sense.  However, somehow it's a bit more intense when deciding to homeschool is the here and now.

I want to be all in if I homeschool.  I want it to be my decision and I want to want to homeschool.  I'm not sure if I'm there.  But I'm searching.

1 option is to send June to Kindergarten locally. We are in a good district and he would be attending a close and well known school.  I don't have any issues with his safety or learning, per say.  It would give June a chance to socialize more and would give him an "out" for a few hours a day.  I'm sure he would thrive. ...I feel a *but* here but I can't pinpoint exactly what comes after the *but.*  Kindergarten is certainly an option.  Our family is set up so that he is being raised closely with his siblings and in a tight knit family.  We care for June and we are very involved.  I don't feel like he would get lost in the shuffle or forgotten if I "send him away" for Kindergarten.  Honestly, there isn't a ton of downsides to Kindergarten in public school, in my eyes.

Another option is to do PA Cyber again.  I like PA cyber, I do.  It's easy and June is excelling.  But I feel like a  cheater.  Am I really homeschooling?  June's "teacher" sent over some resources (websites and printables) to help supplement June.  It shouldn't, but it irked me.  She doesn't know June.  I could tell that from that one email.  The supplements she was giving him weren't for areas that I felt he lacked.  In that moment, I didn't feel like his teacher.  I felt like an aide. *And* his teacher obviously didn't have her thumb on June.  She doesn't know him... at all.  If I homeschool, I don't want to be an aide.  I want to be involved.  I want to be the one steering his education. And I'll be honest, PA Cyber is set up so that the parent doesn't have to do much work. While that's nice... it's not kosher in my mind.  I want to be involved and steering his learning.

That leads me to my 3rd option: good old fashioned homeschool.  I have a few curiculums that I've researched and while I like both that I really looked into... they are $200+ to be enrolled in Kindergarten.  You don't want to know how much it costs to be in 1st grade. WOW. That said, I can get the books for the 1 curiculum for $100 and the other for $150ish.  It's more out of pocket than PA Cyber but it's only a framework.  June would be taught according to what I wanted.  We could carve out time each day, or every few, to work.  We could wax and wane... working through our materials as time allows and as motivations flows.

I have been doing a LOT of thinking on this.  Last week I was 95% sure I was sending him to school.  Today I'm not sure.  I'm moving further and further away from wanting to do PA Cyber (the "free" aspect is so so so tempting though) and am moving more towards wanting to do ME-led homeschool.  But I don't know.

I'm so stuck.  I saw a quote yesterday from Bill Cosby:

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

This struck a cord with me.  While thinking about homeschool, I was overly concerned about everybody. EVERYBODY!  I was concerned at looking weird if I homeschooled so school looked appealing.  Then I was concerned with pro-homeschooling opinions and homeschool seemed like a better alternative.  Ya know what.... all those opinions... BE GONE.  This involves me, and Jim and June.  The decision must be the best one for us, not others.  I didn't realize I was setting myself up for disaster by concerning myself with what others thought.  At the end of the day, it's our immediate family is affected by this decision.  It really has such very little affect on anyone else, which is good, and it does help take some pressure off.

For now there is no solution.  I continue to think.  I continue to process.  I continue to search.  I still have NO clue what next year will bring, but we'll keep thinking until a conclusion is drawn.  

Can't life just be black and white?! ;)