So... this one caught my ear and I have to agree with her.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
The article talks about those sweet old ladies that tell you these are the best years, and to enjoy them. The author struggles with that... and I do too. I am trying to enjoy my kids when they are little, but overall I tend to feel like a failure because I often don't. There are times I just want to get away from them. There are times that I don't like them. There are times where I wonder what I'm doing wrong for things to be this hard. There are times that I think I must be an awful mother to have children this loud or this meltdown-y or this fill-in-the-blank. I think this author hit the nail on the head with her perspective on it. (you'll have to read because I'm not summarizing it all for ya.)
Deep down, I think things are hard for me because I am trying painfully hard to do things right. I'm trying to raise them right. I'm trying to be the right kind of housewife. I'm trying to form and shape them to be responcible adults. I read once that you really only have until the age of 6 to lay down the moral framework for your child.
No pressure.
So maybe it's not that I'm not meant to be a mother... or not that I'm bad at being a mother but more so that I put so.much.stock into what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and what outcome it will have on my children and my relationship with my children that the day to day can be drudgery.
Another point I liked was where she referenced an author who said "No, I don't like writing but I like having written." YES. Do most people enjoy exercise in the moment? No, but it's the results and the outcome that us yielded that we like. It's not the parenting in the moement that I enjoy, it's raising moral souls who will affect the world positively and be good people. I will enjoy having parented.
There has been internal guilt about not wanting to be pregnant super soon after my miscarriage and I wondered why. Logically, one reason would be that my kids were still so young that a gap was a desired entity, but also, I felt so overwhelmed and just not stellar as a parent that I didn't think it would be fair to have another. In fact, was it irresponsible to want another when I was having a hard time enjoying the ones I had.
You could debate all those things, but deep down I feel like I am where most young moms of many young kids would be. It's hard. It's not joyful all the time. It can be, but it's not always and that doesn't mean I shouldn't have more and it doesn't mean that I'm doing anything wrong. It just means that I'm in the thick of the icky icky part of parenting. I'm parenting many young children with more to come.
Validation.
And it's ok that it's hard.
It's ok that I'm not perfect.
But ya know what? As much of a work in progress as all my kids are, I see glimmers of success and those glimmers... those Kairos moments... are making it all worth while. June was a hugger today. He was such a love bug and didn't do 1 defiant thing all day (ok, ok, he tripped Josh once... but that's it I swear). He was sweet and enjoyable. June shares like no one I've ever seen. I swear he will give you his favorite food off his plate if he realizes you want some. And he'll lend you his toys... heck, he wouldn't want it back unless he made him. ;)
There are times where I can't see past the flaws, but those Kairos moments are ones that I need to fixate on and keep plowing ahead. It's all worth it, but no, it's not fun in the day to day. But it's so worth it. Little by little I see that and it's good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings.
Kairos.
1 comment:
Love the Kairos moments :) Love the word.
And I can't speak from experience as a mother, but from an outsider... and one who sees a lot of moms, you're totally not alone, and you're actively engaged in your children's lives. Yeah, sometimes it's icky icky... it's okay that it's hard and you're not perfect, like you said. Life's a journey... and daily surrender. Good stuff, Susie :) Hard, but good!
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