Sibling Rivalry... solved?

The recent dilemma in our house has been the fighting.  Ok. Not recent.  It started when Josh was 7 months old and hasn't stopped.

So.

I had thumbed through a book at the library called "Touchpoints: the essential reference" by T. Berry Brazelton while June was at story time with Miss Erin (and my mom was wonderfully watching the 2 littles... love June/Mommy story time).



Anyway, it was good... I liked what I got to read in the 15 minutes of story time at the library.  Then, I found the same book at GoodWill.  $.75 - sold!

I'm finding I like Brazelton and before a month ago, I had never heard of him! (and if you know me at all, you know how many parenting books I've read)  He seems to be pro (or at least not anti) big family and doesn't bash closely spaced siblings.  It keeps me reading.

The other night I read his chapter on sibling rivalry and I like what he had to say.  I've read "Siblings Without Rivalry" and employ their tricks (equal isn't equal, don't compare -especially verbally- one to the other... among other things).  However, even using their key items, the squabbling never stopped.  Maybe because my kids are little and the siblings talked about in the book are school aged, but I just kept going with my own child-rearing attempts and the noise level continually grew.  Brazelton's advice was welcome...

He starts the chapter by saying this,

"Parents find it almost impossible to stay out of their children's fights." YES, yes I do. Guilty as charged. (But I thought that's what I was supposed to do...jump in, save the victim, solve the problem.)

When parents jump in Brazelton says this,

"Parents quickly make any situation into a triangle.  The children's rivalry is fueled by the goal of getting parents involved."  Uh oh... kinda makes sense.

Then he said this,

"Learning to live with others in a family is one of the most important learning opportunities that anyone can have."  Yay siblings "The ideal is to teach a child how to feel responsible for his sibling and for the whole family's well being.  Learning responsibility for others may be the most important thing you can teach him.  That  comes from learning to share with a sibling."  Ooooooh ::light bulb:: Very cool.  Makes sense.

Then he pulls it all together with thoughts like these:

" Rivalry makes you feel you're unsuccessful. When children fight for you, as they will, you feel completely unrewarded." "As long as you are involved, there is a triangle that allows each to manipulate you.  They never get a chance to work things out with each other.  Leave their fights to them saying, 'You know, I don't know who is right and who's wrong.  You'll have to make that decision yourself.' Then leave the room.  You'll find that they fight a lot less if you aren't there to reward them.  I have never heard of siblings really hurting one another when a parent wasn't nearby." 

Then he finished roping me in with this:

"Try to leave children alone to play as much as possible."  "Reward a child when he is being positive to his sibling.  Stay out of it when he's not.  Your involvement becomes a powerful incentive for continued rivalry." "Left alone children will learn to respect and care for each other.  The ultimate reward for sibling rivalry will come when thet become 'pals'." :) YES YES YES That would be wonderful!

So I tried it... and Monday was one of the most peaceful days we've had in a while.  I've taken this approach all week and yes they squabble but I find that if I stay MIA as I hear them start to fight, they resolve it easily.  If one gets hurt, I've told them that I can't make it better bc they chose to roughhouse with their brother and to go talk to the brother about the ouchie.  It's amazing how much less crying I've had (both during fights and from boo-boos post fight).  I'm not saying this is a cure but I'm saying that I like where it is going and I love the logic behind it.

I want the kids ultimately to be life long friends.  Family support is like none other.  The fighting and crying and AHHHHH that was going on here was too much (so much that I was on edge SO much and I didn't feel I could homeschool, handle more kids now, etc etc etc)  We'll see how things go as time goes on and of course they always be without parent involvement (tonight we had mandatory book time -reading books alone, separated from one another- because the carrying-on was rowdy and loud) but I'm really liking the idea that they can solve their own fights without me refereeing, trying to pick sides, dolling out a punishment, or coddling the victim.

Thank you Dr. Brazelton. =)