Present & Future Moral Wrestle

I stumbled upon a blog post from a mother whose son is off in war (or something, I'm not sure exactly but her son is away) and it got me thinking.  My kids will leave.  At some point, they become the world's and they will leave.

Whoa.

My time with them is really small in the big scheme of things and I'm ok with that.  My goal is to raise them to be successful good people, who are able to live well and ultimately reach Heaven on their own accord.  However, at this stage in the game it hurts my brain to think of them leaving.  Gone.  

Here is the blog. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/02/what-to-do-in-hard-times/

It's long and you can tell that mother is hurting, but it's good stuff.

I love where she says "The only ones who can rest in God are the one who have wrestled with God."

True, I think.  Right now I feel very comfortable in my relationship with God.  I don't feel like He is spiteful or trying to punish or forcefully mold me.  I really truly believe that the hard times are for the greater good and I vow to praise him and thank him even in the midst of the worst, relying on the Saints and Mary for intercession and extra aid.  God will work to purify me and shape me into the person I am supposed to be, ultimately destined (I hope!) for Heaven.

On a personal level, through figuring out Josh's allergies and some scary times along the way with that, and with our epic year of 2010 puke-dom, I really felt differently.  I did a LOT of "Why me?" asking.  I questioned.  I wondered what I was doing wrong.  I felt like I was being punished.  I wrestled with God... for a while.  It wasn't pleasant.  I never lost faith but I often felt deflated and squashed.

*But*

It had purpose.  God never left me.  God wasn't punishing me.  I was being purified, I was being asked to sacrifice, and I was serving.  I was outside my comfort zone and I was growing.

God is good.  I see that now.  I feel like I can "rest in God"  because of my year or 2 of wresting.  I know.  I know how good He is.  I know that He is a protector and I now find peace in that.

It gives strength to endure whatever may lie ahead.  I read a quote once that said something along the lines of "God doesn't show you the future or you will be crippled by it and unable to get through the present."  We are only given the present for a reason.  And though we can't see the future, I know whatever it is, we can get through it.

Similarly but different, I often wonder what my kids teen lives will be like.  Am I doing a good enough job to equip them with the skills to avoid temptation?  Will they have solid consciences formed?  Will they make good decisions?  Will they fall to temptation... or worse, will they rebel?  What will my future with them be like?

I'm trying my best now, and it's up to them later. That's kinda scary though!! I'm not going to lie.

I did find this poem that I intend to latch onto as they get bigger and possibly  make some mistakes.  All hope is not lost:

Elbows On My Bed

by Anonymous

I was but a youth and thoughtless, As all youth are apt to be, Though I had a Christian mother Who had taught me carefully But there came a time when pleasures Of the world came to allure, And I no more sought the guidance Of her love so good and pure. But mother would not yield her boy To Satan's sinful sway, And though I spurned her counsel She knew a better way. No more she tried to caution Of ways she knew were vain, And though I guessed her heartache I could not know its pain. She made my room her altar, A place of secret prayer, And there she took her burden And left it in His care. And morning, noon, and evening By that humble bedside low, She sought the aid of Him, who Best can understand a mother's woe. And I went my way unheeding, Careless of the life I led, Until one day I noticed Prints of elbows on my bed. Then I knew that she had been there, Praying for her wayward boy, Who for the love of worldly pleasure Would her peace of mind destroy. While I wrestled with my conscience, Mother wrestled still in prayer, Till that little room seemed hallowed Because so oft she met Him there. With her God she held her fortress, And though not a word she said, My stubborn heart was broken By those imprints on my bed. Long the conflict raged within me, Sin against my mother's prayer. Sin must yield, for mother never, While she daily met Him there. Mother-love and God-love Are a combination rare, And ones that can't be beaten When sealed in earnest prayer. And so at last the fight was won, And I to Christ was led, And Mother's prayers were answered By her elbows on my bed.

I love that poem because even once it's my children's decision about how to lead their lives, I still have an outlet and a means for help.  I'm not in this alone.

So yeah... life.  Oh, life.  There is so much to life.  SO MUCH.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  All I can do is be the best person I can.  I'm trying.  I'm really honestly trying.  I have my shortcomings.  I have some people in my life who show them to me, often without realizing it and sometimes with a single word.  And I hate them for it.  I get mad at them, because I am trying, can't they see that?  But alas I have my glitches.  I guess we all do.   But then I can grow, and I guess their purpose has been served.  Yet at the end of the day all we can do is try our best, move through the now, and love those around us.  Oh, and pray.  Hold those you love tight and strive for sainthood, relying on those already there to help along the way.