June
June is possibly my toughest case, and may just be my hardest puzzle despite how many more personalities we are blessed with in children. June is sensitive and impulsive and stubborn. He is a rough mix and always has been. To keep June afloat, you need to give him very deliberate attention (mostly in word form, he likes to work and play alone, but needs your consent and direction and verbal attention). He needs hugs and love. He's a "touch" person and needs that deposit of love and hugs in word and feel. June wants to be understood and sympathized with also. Quite honestly, I think June would be a shrink's field day. ;) He's very emotionally based. To get through a rough spot with June, clear boundaries need to be stated and a firm stance is necessary, but more than anything, June just wanted to be understood. That said, if you don't have lines drawn for "If you _________. _________ will happen" he will commit whatever act you don't want him to do, no questions asked. He's stubborn, but you can't come at June with only full force will. He has a gentle heart underneath. If he gets hurt while playing, he needs to tell you and wants a "Ooooh, that must have hurt!" more than a band-aide or attention to the wound. June wants compassion and direction. A mix of all the above keeps June even kilter for the most part, but he's a fine balance of needing emotional care and clear expectations and consequences. Outside of discipline, June just needs you to listen, talk, and be present to him. He isn't a kid that will fade into the background... maybe it's insecurity but he is a thinker and therefore he needs. He has one of the biggest hearts that I've seen. June almost seems to anticipate others' needs more than I or others do. He's sweet, but you need to keep him fed and watered emotionally or Hyde will come out with full force.
Josh
I have Josh and Elizabeth less figured out since I've had less time with them, but as far as I can tell, Josh needs to be "checked." He's not very strong willed or naughty, *but* he can amp up and time out is an amazing "check" for Josh. Josh needs a pretty intentional parent to thrive (and I'm not always so intentional!). I don't know if it stems from Josh's months of pain and struggle before we caught the milk allergy. As background, his little intestines were pretty massively bleeding because of the turmoil the milk was doing during it's digestive process, leaving Josh anemic, in pain and fatigued. He was 9-15 months at that point so words were not present. Josh simply cried or fussed for most of his waking hours (it was very unnerving)... unknowingly alone in his discomfort and struggle. I think that's where Josh learned that crying was a good natural go-to when something in life is uncomfortable. It became his coping mechanism. Flash forward 2+ years, Josh still whines and cries over most things. He needs someone to be very deliberate with him... when Josh is crying over something so minute, he needs verbal reminders that whatever-is-going-on isn't so bad that it warrens crying. Sometimes that works. Sometimes Josh is in a zone where crying is going to be his go-to for anything that irritates him. In comes time-out. When Josh is physically removed from a situation, Josh will (after time) calm himself down and be able to stay calm afterwards when dealing with life. He needs the mix of verbal cues (STOP crying) and time-out to get Josh back on track.
Josh is easier to keep even-keel... he is always hungry so you have to keep Josh fed. Josh loves attention but won't seek it out so a little extra will give him an extra boost. Josh also secretly likes cuddles and attention. He's not a touchy feely kid in the least, but if I sneak in little hugs or touches in a joking funny manner, he blossoms. Through the years I am going to have to be much more intentional with Josh... keep him connected and involved.
Elizabeth
I'm not quite sure about Eliz yet. I think she's pretty even kilter, but of course since she's 2, she needs boundaries. Time out works amazingly well with her. I started much earlier (15ish months) and she already knows that when I threaten time out, it will happen if she doesn't listen. Elizabeth isn't overly emotional, if you give her control where control isn't needed by you, she will feel secure and remain happy and behaving (picking out her shirt, walking versus being carried down the stairs, which cup she wants to drink from, letting her watch you cook...). Give up as much control as you can over the little stuff, and the big stuff sails right by Elizabeth, in your favor. She can handle situations very well: getting hurt, angry, toy possession (most of the time) and I think that go-with-the-flow mentality will follow her. Honestly, after emotionally sensitive June and fly-off-the-handle-with-crying Josh, I am getting a minute to catch my breath with Elizabeth. She's pretty easy going and takes things as they come. Follow her lead on the things she desires and she will tow the line on the things you need of her.
I think more than anything, I am learning that by figuring out the true depth of each of my kids, I'm gaining the advantage to understand and properly respond to my kids, in happy times and times of discipline and training. I understand that June needs his alone time (even when we are with others) and that a reaction of anger/hostility is most likely June's feelings being hurt. Sympathetic understanding and a firm punishment are the combination that will win success. Josh is a busy boy and despite my desire for him to concentrate more or play with others longer (learn his ABCs for Heaven's sake!), Josh needs to flit from activity to activity. He needs to MOVE, often. You can't confine or stiffle Josh's spunk and spirit. Let him be busy and he will be happy. Elizabeth needs to move at her own time... she will tend to stick close to me at times and that's ok. Other times she is off and running. Follow her cues and she will be content.
I'm not a perfect parent and there have been times that I've really heavily doubted what I am doing as a parent or WHY God entrusted these little lives to ME, of all people, but learning about them and who they all are has brought me to a place where I feel like regardless of which discipline tactic I feel works for us, if I can fully understand my kids, I have their hearts and if I have their hearts, regardless of a meltdown at the park or a humiliating experience in public, they will ultimately be ok. They are not show dogs who are expected to always put their best foot forward. They are people and they come with original sin like the rest of us, but I really feel that if I can keep understanding my kids, I will be able to handle what comes my way and train them up to be good people. And really... that's all I want. At the end of the day, I want my kids to be good, kind hearted, caring people who choose the good and do good in whatever they choose to do with and in their lives.
And to think... I have another little one with another distinct personality to unravel and understand. A mother's job is never done... ;) At least with that one, all I have to do is eat and get enough sleep and my job is done right now. I have it easy until December. ;)
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