Adjusting (re-published)

I wrote this, and took it down.  I'm a big chicken to put this out there, but I'm going to.  My purpose in blogging is to document my life, within a big family.  I want a capture of memories and a pull back to reality.  I'm not here to only show the glory.  I'm here to be me.  To write.  To put it all out there.  With that said ::holds breath::  This is my life, adjusting to four.

I have been wanted to blog recently.  I have wanted to write about something very specific.  I have wanted to verbalize and note how difficult things have been recently.  They have been.  It's not an exagerration, it's not a lie.  I have lots of very young children.  I've told people recently that I have too many.  Too many, too young (me and them, frankly).  I've started several blog posts, only to stop short.  These are the drafts that I began:


Treading Water
"I don't want to say I'm sinking but I might be close.  I'm treading water.  I'm trying to keep my head above.  Struggling to get it all done. I'm struggling to meet everyone's demands.  I'm failing.  I don't have enough time.  I don't have enough resources.  I'm falling short.  I need to be more to more people.  Do more."


Hard
"Life is hard right now. Really hard."

But I can't do it.  I can't delve into reality.  I can't.  I can't bash my children.  I don't want a pity party or a "Well, you chose to have this many children" sentiment.  I don't want to look like a bad mom, a bad person.  I don't want to depict myself as a failure.  I don't want to cast my children in a harsh light.

More than that... I don't want to put down motherhood.  I don't want to bash big families, which I've really battled with lately (not bashing others, but questioning why it's a good idea to have this many kids.  More raw than that, why it's important/right/sane to be completely open to life).

Then I read something tonight and it brought me back around (http://issuu.com/setapartgirl/docs/issue2011januaryr/80?zoomed=true).

Adjusting to four children isn't easy.  I hoped against hope that having a 4th would be fairly simple.  Adjusting to 3 for me was hard.  Really hard.  Zoloft hard.  Adjusting to 4 was supposed to be cake.  I watched a baby during the absolutely roughest times of my pregnancy... caring for my own baby while healthy should be cake.  Right?

Wrong.

The baby is good.  She's not super easy, but she's good.  I know how to feed her and get her to sleep, keep her in clean clothes and diapers.  There isn't much else and we are starting to find a groove.  Not hard.

June, not hard either.  He is helpful and plays independently.  He needs one on one time and worries a bit but he's proving pretty mellow.  Plus, he is in school so his academics are off my plate for the time being.  Again, not hard.

Josh.  Oh, Joshua.  This is where I struggle.  Do I really put my feelings down in print?  Do I call out the behaviors and the mischief?  The whining?  The crying?  The sensitivity?  The neediness?  I don't want to label Josh... I don't want to set him up for a self fulfilling prophecy, but suffice it to say that Joshua has been incredibly trying.  I.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.y trying.  I can't seem to get him to learn what he needs to learn academically.  Mischief has a thrill that my authority can't break.  And then you mix him with...

Elizabeth.  She is in transition mode, as I've said in other posts:  crib to toddler bed, diapers to panties, family baby to big sister, pacifier to independent sleep, etc.  Because of that her little life is in turmoil right now... she's a busy body.  She colors where she shouldn't color.  She unpacks thing she shouldn't unpack.  She has a little sassy attitude and a pouty face and voice that would win anyone over (but me).  She and Josh plot and scheme and end up in quite naughty situations.  Frustrating situations.  This is where I start to fall apart.  I see their lack of discipline and their curiosity and I start to hear the chanting of "failure!"  I start to question the "why" of a big family; of closely spaced siblings.

When I need to rock the baby to sleep, they either fight loudly, or find trouble.  This is where the bulk of the "overwhelm" comes from.  The other side, is that there is 1 of me to 4 of them.  It's difficult for me to raise everyone, as I would like, when there is that many of them in the crucial formative years.  So I get very "woe is me" and "I can't do this" and "AHHHH!"

Beyond that, I put pressure on myself.... I want to have it all.  Be it all.  I'm trying to be me and a mom at the same time.  I want obedient children.  I want a clean, tidy house with spotless walls.  I want to look put together.  I don't want to look, feel, or act like I'm raising 4 little children.  I don't want our environment to scream that I'm raising 4 little children.  It's super hard to stay on top of it all though.

But I'm going to take heart.  I'm not meant to do this alone.  I'm not meant to shoulder this alone.  God blessed me with these children and he's a driving force in raising them.  Jim is standing along side me for this as well. My life isn't supposed to be perfect, but I'm determined to keep it all together while raising these little souls.  I'm going to rise above and push through.  The day to day is so very trying.  It's busy, it's loud, it's a juggling act.  I'm learning to raise children close in age, and many of them.  I just have to keep trying.  There is no reason that motherhood has to be chaos or horrible.  Honestly, it's absolutely time and resource consuming.  I'm struggling big time right now.  I've sank down and just cried because of how difficult it is.  I'm not a crier.  It takes a LOT for me to cry.  I've cried.  It's not easy.  I'm no better than anyone else.  I'm not more equipped to handle a big family, but I'm committed. The "but you're super mom"  is garbage.  Anyone could do this... I'm a normal girl who married a traditional Catholic guy and decided to remain open to life.  This could be anyone.  I'm just me, but I'm committed to keep pushing.

I will continue to get up in the morning and start my day off for me (kinda like put the oxygen mask on yourself before your child on a plane).  I will shower, put on a complete outfit, do my make-up and my hair.  I won't give up on me just because I have them.  I will dress my children, do their hair and make them presentable.  I will stay on top of them to be respectful and obedient.  I will follow through on consequences when it would be easier to cave.  I will have us sit and eat together for meals.  I will keep the house tidy as much as humanly possible. I will encourage respect, responsibility and care for others.  I will break up the fights.  I will work through their tears.  I will keep going.  I will stay caught up with the laundry.  I will cook (this one takes effort!).  I will reclaim the house at the end of the day and make it look in order.  I will just keep going, even when it's hard.

That's not super mom.  That's taking my life and living it the best way I can.  That's keeping my sanity in tact while raising kids.  That's not letting them defeat me.  I won't be broken down into nothingness.  Last night, I was so bewildered.  There will be days ahead that I am, but I'm going to keep pushing.  Yes, it's hard, but why wouldn't you do your best with the situation you are given?

Having children is nothing like I thought it would be... not at all, but it's a test of spirit and trial of wills.  Ultimately, it's self mortifying and spirit purifying.  It's my life.  I will not sink.  I will not fail.  I will keep moving and keep trying.  I will do my best and try to rest easy knowing that I can't give more than that.