Call a Whaaaambulance

Today.  Today I was short.  Today I was stressed.  Today I was overwhelmed.  Today I was not who I am, but I am this person more often than not, as a parent.  Why?  Why am I stressed and short tempered and so apt to say no?  Why can't I extend beyond myself and be a fun, loving, sincere, compassionate mom?

I know the "now" reasons for those above questions:

 - I'm not sleeping.  I go to bed at midnight and am up, most often, in the seven o'clock hour.  I've always thrived on 8-10 hours of solid sleep.  I'm getting about 7.5 and that is not one solid chunk.  Factor in awakenings for various reasons from various people, the most consistent being Emily eating or just fussy from teething.  If you subtract the length of time I am awake from my total sleep time I'm probably getting about 6-6.5 hours.  Broken, broken hours.

I'm working on that... everyone but Emily has random awakenings and nothing troublesome or habit forming.  Yet, they still disrupt sleep.  I should say that it's not each kid (or husband) every night, or even most nights but even 1 person needing me besides just Emily makes for a tough night. Little miss baby Emily is cutting teeth AND at an age where she is aware of her environment and is curious (apparently 4 months is a huge time for brain growth) and that mixed with her naturally coming out of sleep due to sleep cycles, equals a curious "feed me" baby, m.u.l.t.i.p.l.e times a night.

So I'm tired.  For the first time since I had her, I seriously feel sleep deprived.  (I know, I know, I should go to bed before midnight, but I use the night hours to get my house work done, laundry folded and I don't know if I can sacrifice that)

- Headaches.  ::kick dirt::  I hate these things.  Tomorrow will mark 2 solid weeks of headaches.  Daily annoying headaches   I have such a hard time being nice when my head hurts.

- Stress.  I really hate that word.  I hate hearing people whine, "I'm stressed."  Waaah and boo for you.  Well... I stress.  I worry over the kids getting sick and I know it's ridiculous and I have proven to myself that I can handle things pretty well, even solo, when kids are sick but I still resort back to dreading it.  It consumes me and it suuuuuuuuuucks.  Anxiety sucks.  I've been trying to be strong in other areas, for other people, and I just kinda feel like I'm cracking under that weight too.

- Digestive awesomeness.  Because of the stress, my stomach/intestines have been "off."  It's not all the time but when I can tell I'm super stressing, I'm also yucky in the belly area.

So sleep deprived, plus headache, plus anxiety, plus stomach issues equals one big ball of fun.  : /

Those are my "now" reasons, but I really think I need to overcome and be even tempered and compassionate even when dealing with me own "stuff."

There is a light at the end of the tunnel:  I'm not always this stressed and I'm not always this sleep deprived.  I will get Emily sleeping better and I'm sure sooner rather than later, but in the meantime all the things listed above add up to me just not feeling like myself.  So I become what noted at the beginning of this post: short, stressed, and overwhelmed.  I'm just not pleasant.

And really, there is a lot to be thankful for and I know that.  Josh and Elizabeth have been playing really well together this week.  Emily is happy despite her teeth.  June ROCKED getting crowns put in and hasn't complained at all about them.

I just need to get my act together and return to my normal self.  I need to push through and be there for my kids even when I'm not feeling up to par.  I love my kids, I am enjoying them... I just want to feel like me again.

Honesty.  You can't fault me for that.  What you see is what you get. ;)