I feel like a failure.

I could end the post right there, it sums it up.

Man.

We just had a couple over for dinner who have a (just about to turn) 3 year old.  Jim works with the husband so it's a family that we rarely see, though they are very nice people.  It was an enjoyable evening. Ehem, unless you looked at my children.

First of all, I've battled behavior in June for literally, 2 years now. From the time he turned 2 he was strong willed and "I do it" to the max.  Over the last 2 months, a much better June has emerged but this week there has been a huge regression. In the Fall I was to the point where I wanted to call Early Intervention to have June evaluated.  His behavior was so different than other kids (and not in a positive light) and extreme.  I hung in there, read a few books (literally) and things improved.

Then tonight happened, leaving June triumphant and me in the dust completely embarrassed. Here are the problems.... he doesn't listen or follow simple rules.  Once June is excited and playing, he cannot calm down which leads to him scaring or hurting other kids... EVERY time. The little girl that was over tonight would listen when her parents ONCE told her to stop running, or not throw a ball, or finish her food.  Granted, these are all things that I don't make a stink over (choose your battles and all that jazz) but let me tell you, I've never felt to irresponsible, lax, young, inexperienced, and completely embarrassed as I did tonight.  And it's a feeling that I've had at plenty of playdates too. It sucks. I try so hard and am just trying to raise Godly, well behaved children who will grow up responsible, caring, loving, good people who love those around them and treat them well.

What am I doing wrong? Why are my children defiant, easily excitable, and off the handle with other kids.  I feel defeated. Utterly defeated.

The husband said "Well you guys are out numbered."  Even more reason that I want good behavior.  We want a big family. We feel that God is planning our family and we will raise, educated, and loveeach child that we are blessed with.  It's so NOT a common mind frame and I feel like if we have uncontrollable kids we will just look irresoncible for having the kids that we do (and want more).  I feel so much pressure (from myself) to be a top mom, pulled together, kids behaving, house spotless, and utter perfection.  Far fetched, maybe.  But at the very least, I shouldn't have a child that won't listen in the least and walks all over me and is a potential danger to playmates.

Arg. And I'm telling you, I've read and read and tried and TRIED.  Is parenthood really this hard? Am I doing the kids ANY good by staying at home with them?  Should June be in preschool and school? Should I have waited to get married so I would have been an older mom and more open to being selfless early? Maybe be feeling overwhelmed in the past transferred into bad parenting.  Crap. I had such a "good" baby but somehow I transformed June into a monster.  I do remember getting mad when I'd hear that June was so so good bc he was a challenge at home, but when I look back I do remember low key behavior prior to 2 years old. Did I do this?  How do I reverse it?

I feel like a failure.