Motherhood

So you know me... I'm on some great epic quest to live life, raise my children perfectly and appease most along the way.  I put insane amount of pressure on myself and quite frankly... because of that... I haven't enjoyed the last few years.  For real.  Sure I enjoy getting out, going places, seeing people, but the daily grind has been hard for me.

Then recently it hit me.  Why am I living the way I'm leaving?  Why do I feel the need to make others approve of what I do? Why do I stress and get flustered and raise my voice when I know not to?

Because I'm dumb.

Plain and simple.

No for real... that's why.

Here's the deal.  At the end of the day, I love my children.  I love my husband.  I love my life.  I love the journey and I'm so excited to see the future... hoping that the labor I put in now will reap benefits to be enjoyed later.

 For many there's a big debate on how many kids to have... and when.  A good friend of mine put it nicely.  She says that in 30 years you will never regret the children that you have, but how many peple regret those that they didn't.  Sure, I'm busy.  Sure, sometimes I can't think clearly and order lemon in my latte or can't remember if I had just asked a question out loud or just thought it in my head.  Granted.  It's crazy here... but yanno... I'm surrounded by the best people ever.  The innocence here is amazing.  These kids are growing, learning, loving, and seeing the world with clear, clean, unbiased eyes.

Jim and I decided a long time ago (um, like 9 years ago... and yes we've only been married almost 5) that we would be open to life and accept the family God gave us.  It's not our decision.  It just isn't.  And that's very personal.  That is our decision.  I don't expect anyone else to follow that or conform just because that's what we do.  That said, I appreciate the same courtesy.

We also knew that I would stay home (even while I was still in college I knew I'd be staying at home once we were married) and being on 1 starting-out income + being open to life = a careful budget and a bit of a different way of life than others.

I do really well at laughing at myself and the craziness around me so that others can't get to me with their comments (defense mechanism... kinda like "the fat kid" would have in school... laugh at yourself before others can laugh at you)  Well... enough is enough.  I've done a great job at showcasing how hair-pulling and blood-pressure-raising life with 3 littles can be and it is, but I haven't shown how fulfilling and wonderful it is too.  My kids are great.  June is awesome.  Josh is a comical cutie and Elizabeth is the sweetest thing ever.  God gave Jim and I these 3 for a reason.  I don't know what it is... nope.  Not a clue.  But He did. All 3 of them were given to us for a reason.

Jim and I have been celebrating each month of non-pregnancy recently and ya know, that's just not cool.  Yes, I'm happy that we will at least have a 19mo gap between Eliz and #4 but I'm also excited to see when God will bless us with our 4th miracle.

Our life is different.  In the end we will not look like other families.  We aren't cookie cutters.  We have traditional beliefs and placed something that others grapple to control in His hands: control of life.   It's hard to understand, but it's amazing to see the blessings that come with each baby.  Our kids are close in age and we are open to more and we are fully fully aware of that.  None of my kids were "accidents."  None were "oops."  Each and every child was a blessing, regardless of circumstance.

So here I am: at the other side.  I'm plodding along in daily life and doing the best I can.  I am trying to ride out the hard moments with grace and take advantage of the hugs, smiles, and teachable ones.  There are some who will never understand and that's ok.  I don't fully, but I know it's right... for us.

I've told some people recently that they are lucky to be starting a family later.  We had June at 23, Josh at 25 and Eliz at 27.  We.are.still.young.  So I'd think to myself "maybe life would be easier if I were older."  But you know what... not necessarily.  I think maybe I would have been a teeny bit more patient but I've wanted to be a mother for such a long time and June was the greatest gift.  My heart is so much deeper than it was 4 years ago.  I know the feeling of someone relying on me 100%.  I know the feeling of being someone's world. I've witnessed the devastation that comes with my presence vanishing momentarily.  I've seen the power of my kiss on a boo boo.  I've felt the importance of my attention.  Dude.  I mean something.  I am someone.  My life is fulfilled (and absolutely completely crazy).  But you have to take the good with the bad.  It's part of the journey.  And do you want to know the most surprising thing?  My kids are not the only ones growing and learning and changing.  I've grown as a person exponentially since becoming a mother and it continues.  I feel like I'm becoming a better me daily.  Each day is packed with exercises in patience, discipline, self control, self sacrifice, and diligence.  It's awesome and I'm glad we started this journey together.

So there you go.  Regardless of how many posts I write about nutso moments, it boils down to the feelings in this one.  At the end of the day, I'm happy.  At the end of the day I'm fulfilled and what's more... in church every Sunday I feel absolutely filled with peace and satisfaction.  Each and every trial and tribulation is so well worth it.

And when the time comes, we will welcome #4... with open arms and warm hearts.

I'm humbled by the life I've been given and for sure, I feel blessed.