Grandpap Jack: Tough as nails, teddy bear heart stored deep deep inside.
I remember entering into Jim's family 11 years ago and pretty immediately hearing about his Grandpap, whom most people were afraid. I will grant them that he was intimidating... as time passed Jim and I started attending St. Roch's parish for the Traditional Latin Mass. Shortly after we joined, Jim's grandparents did as well. We were often invited out to lunch with them after church and took up that invitation often. How wonderful. At the time it was slightly nerve wracking holding conversation with Jim's grandparents, but it fulfilled a piece of my life that was missing: a solid set of grandparents actively engaged in my life. We did these church/lunch outings for about 4 years before Jim and I got married. Even when we were away at college, the weekends that were spent at home, were spent at St. Roch's Sunday morning and at a lunch spot with Jim's grandparents thereafter. (A place called Shut the Door was a favorite of theirs).
After we returned to PA, with a one year old June, we resumed church and lunches with them. We couldn't go weekly because we were now parents of one and expecting another, but still, it was continued. The neat thing at that point was that a new bond grew. June and Grandpap had a kinship. To this day, I can't tell you why, but there was something in June that completely took Grandpap. I remember a newly toddling June looking for Grandpap-pap (as he was called by the Great Grandchildren) after church and walking out to the parking lot with him, hand in hand.
As time passed and June got older, he would ask to sit with Grandma and Grandpap. I would let him, once he would nicely sit through Mass (around 3 or 4). We would start with June in the vestibule of church and once he asked to sit with Grandma and Grandpap, I would walk him in and wait at the back of the church. June would march up to the front where they were sitting and stand next to the pew, just waiting for Grandpap to notice his presence. Eventually he would and June would be welcomed into the pew. He sat better with them than he EVER did with us.
I still don't know what it was about June that captivated Grandpap, but let me tell you, it was a pleasure to watch. They had a mutual liking for one another... somehow an understanding. The picture below is of June's 4th birthday. Grandpap sat next to June, helping him blow out candles, handing him presents. You can't create that type of connection... it just forms beyond your control when the right mix of personalities collide. Warms my heart. I hope June remembers at least bits of his time with Grandpap because it was special and if he doesn't, I'll sure be there to remind him.
This brings us to the heart of this post. On January 15, 2012 Grandpap passed away. He had fought a battle with Leukemia and for the last year hit some very rough patches. It's been months and months since he has been himself. It was hard to watch.
Over the last few weeks we had been prepping the kids that Grandpap was going to die soon and would be going to Heaven (God willing) and the time finally came to face just that. Jim and I talked about what we wanted to do with the services. How much do we want the kids to see? How much exposure to the reality of death? Ultimately, for a few reasons, we decided that they would come to everything.
Jim and I both wanted to be at everything ourselves and getting a babysitter would be complicated, plus we thought it would be beneficial (or not detrimental) for them to see the process of it all. Why steer them away from death? It's natural. It's normal. Yes, it's sad but it's a part of life and we thought letting them be at the viewing and funeral would help them process what had happened to Grandpap.
The viewing was good... long... but good. We stayed almost 3 hours but the kids were troupers. The bonus is that the family is so full of life that the viewing was less than sad. It was loud. It was communal.
We took the kids to the front to see Grandpap and had talk to them about seeing Grandapap in the "box" and that his body was there but his mind/brain/soul was in Heaven. June walked up and stood a good 4 feet from the casket. After a few seconds he asked to walk away. We let him. He didn't want to get closer or look and that's ok. Elizabeth was completely clueless, but Josh was really amazing to watch. He approached the casket and just stared. He wasn't afraid. He wasn't sad. He wasn't his giddy, boncy, funny self. He was stoic. He just watched. When we were ready to move on (there were others behind us) Josh asked for a little more time. So we gave it to him. About an hour later, I told Josh that if he wanted to go back up to the coffin to see Grandpap, he could. He wanted to so we went.
This time he stood on the kneeler and for a good 5-7 minutes, again, he stared. This time he asked questions:
"Where are his feet?"
"Who dressed him?"
"Are your eyes always closed when you die?"
"What are the pictures above him?"
"Why does it look like he has gloves on?"
"When will they close the box?"
Question after question. Not silly. Not goofy. Honest. Josh wanted to know. He was intrigued.
As honest as I could, I answered every question. I could see Josh actively processing what had happened to Grandpap and what was happening now.
The next morning we went to St. Stephen's for the funeral Mass. It was 2 hours. A very painfully long 2 hours. We figured that we would be able to pass June and Josh off into the family crowd during the service, offering as a buffer for us and a distraction for them. We got to the church exactly at 10 and not only was the family sardined into the pews, but there were absolutely no spots to sit in Mass unless we wanted to be in the front. We didn't. So we kept the kids in the back of the vestibule and for the most part, they were good... until about an hour and 30 into the service.
By noon, the were s.p.e.n.t. Finally we loaded into the car and headed to the cemetery. Emily was crying because she was hungry. The bigger kids were hungry and rammy from having to "behave" for 2 hours straight. I should have stayed in the car. We took them out of the van and marched over to the grave site. Emily was crying. It was cold. It was windy. Josh found a patch of mud to dig his feet in. Elizabeth peed through her diaper and proclaimed it to everyone, as it was happening. June needed to see the casket (and we were in the back). Josh kept asking over and over and OVER "When and I going to see Grandpap?" From the 2+ hours at church with kids and lack of any real participation in the services due to kid wrangling, Jim and I were spent. We couldn't grieve. We couldn't process. We couldn't focus, beyond a peeing Elizabeth and rammy muddy Josh, who almost pulled down the military flag AS the military man was talking about said flag. We were DONE. Jim grabbed the kids and left the grave side memorial early. What could I do but follow. We didn't get to hear the rest of that service. We didn't get to put roses on the coffin. We left. And because of the amount of frustration and stress and pent up grief, we didn't go on to the celebratory lunch. We went home. Alone. Home.
Was it a mistake to take the kids? In all, no, I don't think so. In hindsight, I wish we hadn't taken them to the church. They could have handled everything else, but being at church that morning fried them and ruined the rest.
It is what it is. I still intend to go to Grandpap's plot and say my good byes. I didn't get to yet. I need to. I need to process and grieve. It might sound silly that I'm as involved as I am, but for all intents and purposes, Grandpap was my Grandpap too. For the last 11 years at least and as a parent, you focus on your kids and virtually everything else falls second. I have 4 kids, 4 kids under 6 and that's exactly what happened. The kids demanded our attention and grieving for Grandpap and soaking in the funeral process fell a sad second.
So all in all, things ended up tense and rough and unfinished, but the bigger thing is that Grandpap is remembered and will be missed. And he will. He was a strong personality and I hope that once he is in Heaven that he will watch over us and pull some strings up there; pull around his weight. :) Maybe June will be watched over more closely. Grandpap will be reunited with all his passed friends and family, with Msgr Moss and the Great Grandchildren that never had the chance to be born. I believe there are 7 of them total, Roch as one. That's a privilege that us granddaughters/granddaughters-in-law haven't been blessed with. He will see Our Lady face to face. Amazing. And we will find a new normal with a hole where the patriarch Jim's extended family once stood. Everyone will move on, but always remember.
You will be missed Grandpap, may your soul rest in peace.
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