Click the link and read the article. It's short, but I can't promise it's painless.
She writes, "Skinny made me pinch and grab and pull while I stood in front of the mirror. Skinny made me stand sideways and suck in my stomach until it hurt a little. Skinny made me analyze and dissect and criticize my reflection. Skinny whispered, “Not good enough.”"
Never good enough. I sat there nodding through the post. I was nodding over the hold skinny had on the author. I am held by that same tight grasp. And I was nodding over wanting skinny and it's obsession to stay far far away from my girls.
When I was 13, I realized that I wasn't as petite as other girls. Scratch that, I was petite, I didn't have 0% body fat like some of the others. I was healthy. I was a mere 82 lbs, but I wasn't one of those twig girls. Sitting in the car on the way home from an activity, I heard it confirmed "Well, you do have a little extra weight around your belly." My heart sank. My mindset evolved. I never felt fit enough, thin enough, despite my size. I was never enough.
I spent years chasing skinny. Even though, by my high school years, I had naturally slimmed down, skinny still taunted me. I wasn't perfect yet. Skinny took residence in my mind and planted roots.
I skated 5-6 days a week. I watched what I ate (and I REALLY like to eat!). I chased an ideal, an unrealistic ideal. But despite my efforts I still stood in front of a mirror and analyzed. I would pinch and poke and suck in. Degrade and mentally scorn. I would change my shirt 3 times to find the one that didn't make me look fat.
I was never fat and often, I was tiny, but skinny held me. Skinny's lies enveloped me. I would outwardly complain and people would say things like "That's not fat! That's skin!" when I pinched... I thought they were trying to pacify me, trying to be polite and not break the truth to me. I couldn't believe truth. Skinny spoke louder. I have spent years upon years believing skinny's lies. Admittedly, I am still partially stuck in that mindset. Skinny is a jerk. Skinny still tells me that I am not good or happy or worthy until I hit a certain number on the scale (and with 5 pregnancies in total, I'm constantly on a hunt back to that ideal number). Once I'm at that number, skinny leaves me alone... at least somewhat. I'm 12 pounds above that number now... it's an everyday battle with skinny between "Dude, LOSE this weight, you cow." and "Good for you, you'll lose the weight in time, but don't stress and if you don't, you look good right now anyway." It's an inward struggle and one that continues. It sucks. But it's my reality.
But there's another side to this:
I'm raising two daughters.
Two absolute perfect, strong, feisty, fun, beautiful daughters.
I don't wish skinny on them. I wish them health. I wish them strength. I wish them endurance and pride in themselves. I wish for confidence and happiness and their own inner feelings of adequacy. I want them to both feel "enough" and beautiful and happy. I don't want skinny to take over like it did for me. I will pray for them and for guidance. I promise to show them their strengths and ultimately, I will love them for all they are, regardless of size or stature, because that doesn't define who they are. They are so much more. I will watch how I speak of myself and how the topic of body and self are approached. I will never tell them they are anything less than perfect. Skinny will try to sneak in, I know skinny too well, but I pray my daughters are armed with enough self confidence that skinny remains just a word.
And in the meantime, I will start saying the same to myself...
No comments:
Post a Comment