My Thoughts on Adjusting To Baby: Sibling Edition

I was just thinking about how we are getting pretty adept at welcoming a new baby into the house just because we have done it again and again.  For Jim and I, adding a baby is the same for us each time.  We are used to taking care of a newborn and while each child is different, newborns are newborns.  Eat, sleep, poop.  Make them feel secure and you are golden, more or less.

Since 2008, there has always been *someone* in the house who had to face the biggest change though.  This would be the youngest.  The youngest child has a big shift as baby enters the picture, retiring his or her baby status.  When I thought about typing this out and particularly focusing on how to handle the youngest, my first instinct was "There's nothing to be said about adding a sibling.  It's a natural transition."  Then I thought on it.  There is a method that I use, but it's basically by doing what I just said... keeping it natural, easy, and not making it a big deal.

It works like this:

Leading up to labor we talk about the baby in mommy's tummy and how it's getting bigger and when it gets SO big the baby will come out.  That's all well and good except for one thing, the youngest in my case has often be too young to understand any of that.  And that's ok.  We leave it at that.  They sometimes kiss the baby and can point to my belly when you ask where the baby is.  We talk about "baby's car seat" or "baby's bed".  Using the term "baby" or the baby's name is enough to ensure the connection will be made when baby is born.  However, in reality, it seems like they are pretty clueless about the reality of gaining a sibling, and that isn't a negative, because...

Next is the birth.  Don't worry about your kids during your labor and delivery.  They will do great while you are in the hospital and they get to visit, which they always love... When my kids come and see me in the hospital, I'm make sure I'm not holding their little brother or sister.  I put the baby in the bassinet or if I have other company, someone else holds the baby.  But why? This is because as excited as your kids will be to see the baby, your littlest one will be needing to see mommy first.  This may be the first time away from them, or just seeing you in a foregin place might be overwhelming.  If you have a bit older child, jealousy might sneak in.  This baby took you away from them.  I am always open and available for my last "baby" to come and cuddle with me.  We let each child hold the baby, but if they show little interest, it isn't pushed.  The cool thing is that they often claim baby as their own and are over the moon to meet this little being.  Emily was just that... She adored Annie from the first meeting. 

I will also take a walk down the halls with my kids and head over to the snack area of the floor and let them grab saltine crackers or apple sauce or whatever is stocked in that area.  I give lots and lots and lots of attention to my youngest and plenty of attention to my others as well.  It will be a short visit, so give them time with baby but time with you.  This is a big change for them. 

Two more things I want to add to this hospital visit... 

- I don't like to give my kids gifts from the baby.  I know a lot of people do.   I don't think it's necessary.  They just got an amazing gift, a new sibling.  They likely will get a sticker from the L&D staff or a special treat from Grandma while she's watching them, etc etc etc.  I just don't like the mindset that everyone gets gifts so it's "equal."  In all 4 of my "big sibling" adjustments I have never seen them get upset over no gift for them and I have never seen them jealous of baby gifts that come in.  They just aren't.  Yours won't be either.  That new sibling is awesome to them, let that be the gift in itself.

- Secondly, and this is another big one, while I do have parameters with the kids (don't pick up the baby, ask before holding her/him, don't feed them, etc), I try to restrict my correction with the big kids and the new baby.  Back in 2010, I was at a play date with a good friend and she said something that sticks with me to this day.  She commented about how she lets her kids forge their own relationship with their siblings from the beginning. It's THEIR sibling and they need to define their relationship...  She doesn't hover or over correct.  The bigger siblings might not be as gentle as you want.  They might poke the baby's face or push the pacifier in a bit to hard, or pile a few too many toys on baby (because obviously at a few days old, baby needs to play! :P) but they learn, just like we did becoming moms for the first time.  If you constantly keep your baby away from their big siblings and don't let them learn the boundaries and needs and abilities of their baby sibling, negativity will creep in.  My kids are not allowed to hurt the baby, but babies are pretty stinking durable so being around baby, talking to baby, looking at baby, patting baby, giving baby her pacifier... all those natural curiosities are allowed to be explored.

I think spending time with the bigger kids is important too.  I had another friend advise me that when Josh was born, PUT HIM DOWN.  When he nods off to sleep, stick him in a bouncy chair and go play with June.  Don't revolve your life around the baby.  Yes, get snuggles.  Yes, enjoy that fleeting time, but when the baby is asleep, that's your time with your bigger kids.  This is really a win win too because I haven't had a "HOLD ME" baby. From day one I put the babies down to sleep for the majority of their naps and they all learned to sleep independently very well.  So win win win win win. :)

All in all, from my experience becoming a mommy five times, I think keeping things stress free and natural is key.  Focus on your bigger kids, let them share in the excitement of having a new baby and the transition into bringing baby home, and enjoy the ride.  No fuss.  Happy results.

One last thought, you will see different experiences based on your children's personalities too.  In my case, June was helpful and was happy to welcome Josh, but he didn't overly fawn over him.  They still maintain a good, but distanced "friendship."  Josh, however, was GLUED to Elizabeth.  Where June took more of a caretaker role with Josh, Josh took a best-buds role with Eliz and they are my closest two to this day.  They are my "twins."  Elizabeth claimed Emily as her own. "My baby sisser!" but other than being territorial, she didn't care much for Emily.  They still don't really click.  Emily and Annie remind me of Josh and Elizabeth.  Emily INSTANTLY meshed well with Annie.  She is very motherly, but I feel like they will be another set joined at the hip.

So, I have seen kids infatuated with their baby sibling and I've seen take a "mommy's side kick" role and a bit of everything in between and it's all ok.  It's all been positive and each of their experiences have been their own.  They created their own perfect relationship with eachother and I think that's pretty darn neat.

Siblings rock!!