1. I wanted a way to tangibly remember my kids' childhood and my own journey of motherhood.
2. I wanted to remember the reality of them, and not my mind's rose colored memory.
When I began blogging I wrote about the day to day. I wrote about highs, I wrote about lows, funny anecdotes, and the seemingly mundane. I wrote in a stream of consciousness. I didn't proofread much. I didn't focus on grammar or the perfect picture to accompany. I. just. wrote. And that worked for me beautifully. My two goals were achieved and my blog had a steady flow to it.
I always intended to write about the real, but my real got REAL... too real, big hard emotions real. Life got harder and my resolve to show the real started to falter... Why? Because the day to day got hard. Big life stuff with marriage and kid behaviors and health and sensitive topics were flooding life. I wanted to share, but also needed digression. This particularly pertains to marriage. It's HARD. We dealt with some bigger things, personality clashes, each of us crashing down at different points, and I didn't want to showcase that. That was all between Jim and myself. I couldn't pull it into a blog. It didn't feel appropriate. So I went quiet. Now, from all the observing I've done about marriage I don't think we are the exception. Our marriage has been worth ever struggle we have crawled through and the end goal has always been in sight (hand in hand enjoying each other's company when we are 80), but the path to that goal it's a linear climb. So when kid life got harder, marriage got harder, life got busier, and Susie got swamped, my blog got dropped.
My own thoughts became less fun. My frustrations became more real. I've had times of feeling apathetic toward motherhood. I've had times where I question if I am doing anything right. I have times when I just feel numb. Through all that I kick myself because some of the sweetest memories have ticked by, undocumented because all these real life hard feelings covered them and prevented me from sharing here.
When I became a mom I was calm. I was level headed, cool, collected, and unruffled. When I started to rip from that place, I stopped sharing my journey. However, I am ready to come back. Life isn't calmer. Life isn't easier. There has been a tremendous amount of growth. Life has been goooooooood, amid the normal amount of hard, but my mindset has been murky. Beyond that, when I was blogging I got further sucked into how to be a "blogger" and I stopped writing. I felt like it was too much to be a blogger so it didn't make sense to keep blogging.
You know what? That's crap. I don't care. I don't know how often I will blog going forward. I won't be running things by a blogger's rule book. I don't know how uplifting this blog will be, but this is my place. I am going to write... I'm going to write the good, bad, and ugly. I'm documenting... because I regret not documenting the last few years. Don't say I didn't warn you if there are a fair amount of ACK!! posts amid the fuzzy and warm ones. Real life isn't fuzzy and warm.
See you on the flip side
No comments:
Post a Comment