Motherhood loooooow

My emotions are much calmer than last week which is so so good because that was a little scary.  I felt very depleted and empty and ineffective.  Each of those are pretty awful ways to feel. Most of this stems from motherhood.  Hardest job I've ever had.  I shoulder the kids behaviors intensely and recently seeing some (end of summer, probably pretty normal) frustrating behaviors, I felt like throwing my hands in the air and waving a white flag.  I try to parent well.  I try to be present and intentional.  In addition to that, I'm adventurous and we have a good summer, and then a steady school year with structure and reliability.  I try very hard to be a good mom, and not in the "Go me" sense but the "raise them right" sense, but when I do all of that and then see lying, destruction, rowdy antics, disrespectful tones, and defiance... there eventually is a straw which temporarily breaks me. Seeing those behaviors are just a gut punch.  I try to continue on, but I start to react instead of respond.  My fuse shortens and my anger increases... I start to hate how I am acting and hate how they are acting and that final straw descends. That straw fell about a week ago.

Thankfully, I had a week of an alomst understanding, silent husband.  He wants to "fix" things but knows to just sink to the background because in those moments, I don't need things fixed, I need to process.  I need time. I need to think.  I need to go slow. I had a week with the kids in school, and a new book in hand, uplifting podcasts in ear... I also had a week of good conversations with just the right people.  Hard truths, refreshing words, lots of thinking and a few solid suggestions later I am renewed.  My head is on straight again.

And thank goodness... man that dark place is zero fun.

When I feel the hard feelings coming in, I tend to shame myself "Why did you choose this life, you aren't good at it!"  "I don't see everyone's kids acting like that!" "Did you see that stare you just got?"  "Did you hear how your kid was just talked about?"  "You are awful at this mom thing!" And my mind reels.  Those words feel so true.  So real.

So I write all of this in case there is someone else out there, trying their best, but feeling those lies.  This week, I feel calmer.  I feel able.  I feel comfortable in this role as a mother.  I don't feel superior... I don't feel mastered... but I feel ok. And ok is ok.

Onward, mothers!