In 2018 things were going ok. Things were good with Jim, the house, the kids, etc. The only bummer was that we were hoping for a new baby and it just. wasn't. happening. In June, that turned around and we found out we were expecting. We were so thrilled, until early August when my pregnancy ended. I was so crushed, but forged ahead. Blind hope and statistics backed my go-getter attitude and shockingly we got pregnant immediately. Sadly, I got the bottom end of those stats and we lost that baby too. In the haze of 2 miscarriages close together, we didn't try but didn't prevent (remember we had tried and tried with no success earlier that year??). That resulted in a 3rd pregnancy and a third 2018 loss. I went into December feeling like I was in the eye of the storm. Those losses were behind me and I was catching my breath for the first time in months, but there was this eery feeling of not knowing what lay ahead, yet feeling like we had stepped out of the cyclone that we were in. It truly felt like we were in the calm of the storm... not necessarily a good calm. However, I shrugged off that foreboding feeling and we chose to try again with a new year and a renewed sense of "What is in the past is in the past."
Welcome 2019. In January we got pregnant. In February we got that beautiful positive test. This is where everything completely hits the fan and where my beef with 2019 begins. We exited the eye of the storm, that eery but calm and peaceful place, and were cast back into chaos, bigger and worse than before.
We went from poor HCG draws early on and feeling like we were headed to another loss to seeing positive, reassuring numbers and getting excited. We really and truly thought this baby would be a "take home baby." October 18th was our due date and we were ready to take on the next 8-9 months. We made it to 7 weeks and went in for our first ultrasound. All good news ends here. The 7 week ultrasound didn't look good. The 8 week ultrasound looked worse, but yet a teeny heart had begun to beat. This little beating heart was so slow that it was most definitely going to stop beating soon. However, seeing that heartbeat was the most precious thing. This baby was real. In there. Alive. The 9 week ultrasound confirmed the baby's passing and at exactly 10 weeks I began to miscarry.
This miscarriage was complicated and full of twists and turns. It didn't conclude for a full, agonizing, 8 weeks.
Late May was when everything finally concluded and I was able to step back into more of a normal mind space and way of living. I took my first deep breathe in a long time. Those prior 3 months were traumatic and triggering and, honestly, awful. It wasn't even close to the worst loss you could experience, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ever. Ever ever.
So 2019... you and I haven't been the best of friends. I'm not so keen on what has been tossed my way during your year. You almost broke me, yanno? However, I'm not one to hold a grudge. I would like to see if we can work things out. I'm feeling like we can work together to move forward during the rest of your time here and make the best out of what has transpired prior. You game?
I don't know if the rest of this year will hold mediocrity, tragedy, joy, challenge, success, normalcy or a mix of all, but I'm so ready to really live each day and honor my angels, while truly being my best self and not being defined by events that happened in this calendar year.
I am the face of recurrent loss. I'm the face of big family life. I'm the face of a working mom. I'm the face of a stay-at-home mom. However, I'm not defined by any one of those things. I'm the culmination which adds up to one, whole Susie. And I'm here to finish out this year strong.
Anyone else with me?
I tell my kids "You can't control what happens to you, only how you respond to it." 2019, you knocked me on my butt, but pardon me as I get up, shake off the dust, give you a "well played" nod and begin anew.
No comments:
Post a Comment