Double Life

Since my last post, I sunk pretty low, but have begun to rebound!  Without going into all details, the takeaway is that Down syndrome pregnancy is hard, mentally hard. There are so many unknowns, possibilities, and maybes mixed in with the very real facts that Down syndrome is a disability and my child will have special needs.  Some needs are known (i.e. most babies with DS are low tone) and some are unknown (like which medical conditions he may or may not have). All these "what if" type scenarios swirl while simultaneously your normal life keeps ticking on as if nothing has changed, still expecting just as much out of you. 

I began feeling like I was living a double life... almost to the point where I felt like a fraud walking around, living life, working and just operating as if all were peachy keen.  But it wasn't peachy keen.

I was still expected to live my daily everyday life full of work, 6 kids, their schedules, activities, housework, obligations, bills, so much laundry, and constant bustle thanks to an unnamed 2 year old. 

And yet, 89% of my mental capacity was looped in my own reality of this pregnancy with its list of appointments, ultrasounds, and unknowns varying from light to morbid (increased risk of stillbirth, for the win, waaaaaah). The remaining 11% of me was feeling depleted due to the physical demands of pregnancy.

Combine all of those ingredients, mix well, and.... well, let's just say that it felt like I wasn't mixing them, at all.  My life sat there as the dry ingredients and my pregnancy sat there as the wet.  I kept them apart and expected a cake to appear.  Instead, I have been standing there, staring at both and wondering why nothing is happening! 

My husband summed it up best when he said that I thrive on honesty and transparency, and while for a long while it was appropriate to keep the Down syndrome diagnosis to ourselves, it started to feel like more of a hindrance.  I needed to fuse my life back into one.

So, I posted our announcement on Facebook for the world to learn about our special boy:

https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10167531104350587&set=a.10151213714660587

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Susie Conrad

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Shared with Public

This isn’t something that needs to be announced, but it’s now solidly part of our reality that I want to share it.

The short of it is that we found out in March that this baby boy of ours has Down syndrome. Of course the diagnosis came with processing, learning, reading, reaching out, turning inward, and a whole bunch of extra appointments. (He looks super healthy thus far!!!)

The take-away, though, is that this diagnosis is not a negative… we cannot wait to meet this baby boy and let him lead our whole family down a path that we have yet to walk. Our greatest venture yet. I know there will be challenges: a full schedule of appointments and therapies, medical pieces that will be uncovered, and milestones met differently than his big siblings, but from I hear from other families with Down syndrome, there is so much joy ahead too.

Speaking frankly, a Down syndrome pregnancy has been hard because there are so many unknowns and potential concerns that weigh down my brain (I just need him here safely!) and my schedule is about to be packed with OB appointments as well as NST’s and frequent ultrasounds at MFM - as if my schedule is not full enough haha.

However, the diagnosis itself and this extra chromosome makes this kiddo so special. We plan love and nurture him as any other Conrad baby, and expect just as much out of his little life as all his big siblings, but I suspect he will teach me just as much as I teach him.

Now he just needs a name because that piece of the puzzle is completely unclear

2 things then happened... I was blown away by the responses. 101 people wrote a comment under that post and 294 reacted. I didn't have a single negative, iffy, rude, or uneducated response.  My thread was flooded with love and acceptance.  It's all I could have hoped for.  In the days that followed that post I felt more and more whole.  This baby and pregnancy now morphed and joined my everyday life and not only that, but my baby preceded his diagnosis.  People were so kind in their responses about this boy.  

Operating my life again in a single capacity, owning his diagnosis and differences as part of our journey now and not something that is separate or being uncovered was so good for my heart.  Having a baby with Down syndrome is now just a part of who we are... and that is a comfortable feeling.