I had a rough day with the kids. I don't feel like I'm enough, ultimately and that right now the weight of life is heavy and the load is hard. Elizabeth woke up crying to I went in to cover her. When I checked on the boys after, Josh was sitting up in his bed because he had a bad dream and had woken up. I gave him Spiderman socks (an odd nightly comfort for him) and reassured him.
Then I went back to pay in bed. I think I've been up since about 1:30... maybe 2. I just laid there and thought about my rough day. It wasn't a bad day. We went to the sandbox park in the morning with friends. We got a special lunch and did naptime. June played in the pool during nap. Josh got some pool time afterward. Jim was home within an hour after nap, but by that time I was just.so.spent. I can't describe it.
What happened beyond that "good" framework of our day was that behaviors were "off" at the park. June was attitude-y and Josh cried and screamed several times while we were out. Josh didn't really stop carrying on once we were home either. And it wears on me.
Then I look around my house at the utter mess. Why can't I keep a house clean while newly pregnant? Why can't I just stay on top of it all? Why are my children so whiny sometimes? Why does Josh cry so much? Why do they fight? Why am I not enough? Why am I pregnant AGAIN for the forth time in SIX years? Why does it all feel like so much? Too much?
I came down here to write this blog post but I stumbled on this first: http://themarathonmom.com/keeping-our-childrens-hearts-what-its-all-about.htm
She sums it up better than I ever could. Motherhood is NOT easy, but others have done it just like me and have survived. I guess how I feel is normal. I guess I just have to ride out the bad times and rejoice in the good... messy house, nosiy kids and all.
1 comment:
Aww, Susie :( Sorry it was a hard day! But you are not a bad mother!! You're not even just "passable" ;) But I know how in hard days, you question yourself. I don't have that with motherhood, but I do with work.
No answers, but prayers :) Hard is hard, it doesn't equal bad. But it does teach us to rely on God... we don't have the strength on our own. If only we remembered that when we were feeling more "capable"... that it's still only by His grace ;) So guilty of that myself.
So praying for you to see yourself as the mother (and apart from your "mother-ness", as the person) God sees you. That you rely on His grace for each day and don't stress about the next. And that you get a decent night's sleep ;)
Love and prayers, friend :)
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