I just got home from my OB's office. I needed a rhogam shot bc I'm RH negative. I was looking forward to going... seeing familiar faces. I love my OB's office and I haven't been there in a year. I walked away sad. I shouldn't be there for a shot. I should be there for a succession of appointments leading to the birth of my next baby. It was weird. Everyone loved seeing Elizabeth and it was all smiles while I was there. But I want to be going there next week for my 8 week appointment. I want to have my ultrasound on Monday. I don't want to be starting over. I want to be pregnant. And right now... I'm just sad.
I'm not sad for the baby... I know he is fine. I'm sad for me. I have to start this journey all over again and with the new anxiety that this whole process could happen again. I know the statistics: 85% of subsequent pregnancies are complication and miscarriage free. But still... I'll worry next time and in this moment that is bothering me. I want to see the future and know things will be fine. That our next pregnancy will end in a healthy baby. I want to know that we will be able to have a big family.
I realize a lot of my thoughts right now are not rational... it's just that for the first time, I feel sad and not even headed and "real" about the situation. I should be 7 weeks pregnant, nauseous, and anticipating my ultrasound next Monday and OB appt Wed. Instead... I wait. I wait for the bleeding to stop. I wait for my HCG numbers to hit zero again. I wait to start another cycle. I want to conceive and THEN I wait to see if this pregnancy is viable or if we will be reliving this pain and uncertainty. And until all that happens... I wait.
2 comments:
Oh Susie I had no idea! I am so sorry!
You will be in my prayers, Funny I had a dream about you last night too. Someone once told me that when you randomly think of someone or dream about them you should pray for them. Now I see that you needed them. *HUG* My heart goes out to you.
Thank you, Christa. <3
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