Hidden Blessings

The antics that go on in this house are absurd at times, infuriating at times, & downright crazy.  I'm not saying I would change anything, because, although not easy, I really feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.   Each of them has their own quirks, strengths, and weaknesses.  More than anything else, they are teaching me.  Each day is a test in patience, compassion, work ethic, stamina, & empathy.  I'm so far from excelling too.  

In the moments where I feel defeated and frustrated and overrun, I try to see the glimmer of purpose... why I'm doing this and why I need to keep pushing past the frustration, the defeat.  The beauty of four kids is that when one or two of them may be trying my patience, there is (typically) at least one who outwardly exhibits something awe inspiring.  

Earlier this week Elizabeth had a stomach bug.  You never want someone under 3 or 4 to have a stomach bug.  They don't understand.  They are scared and they are so completely uncoordinated.  Sunday night I didn't get much sleep and the rest of the week was consumed with worry of if she was over it and whether anyone else would get it... the verdict still isn't out on that one.  Amid my internal worry and fatigue, the others offered hope.  

Monday I got horrible news about a family member's loss of her sweet sweet baby boy.  He left before he even had the chance to meet his mama or take his first breaths.  My heart wrenched for her (still does).  I could feel it ache.  The personal solace that I gained was from snuggling Emily and feeling beyond blessed to have a fourth healthy, happy baby.  That day was spent feeling immensely blessed instead of downtrodden over Elizabeth's belly. 

Tuesday, June stepped up and without being asked pitched in with chores.  He emptied the dishwasher, at one point, and he listened when asked to do something.  He even let me nap, on the floor, for 20 minutes while he played nicely, just because apparently I needed it.  

(He took photographic evidence too, haha.  I found these on my camera last night)

Then, just yesterday, I went to get Josh up from his nap and said "Joshua?"  He said, "What?"  I said, "I love you so much."  He smiled at me and lunged to tackle me in such a big hug.  He just held onto me for a few seconds.  It was wonderful.  It was unexpected and, without knowing it, was just what I needed.  

So this week, I could continue to stress over this bug, and I will... trust me, but God has given me all of these sweet crazy nutty kids and so many of them that they can give me trials and the glimmers of sweet satisfaction all at once.  

You could easily feel overworked.  And I do.  You could feel frustrated with the task of raising all of them into good people.  And I am, but you can also keep eyes open and see the little blessings that God puts into the every day.   It's not normal to have this number of kids, especially this young, but there is a beauty in it, you just have allow yourself to see.  

*As a side note, for the month of May I want to try something very different.  I am going to try journal entries instead of the typical blogging.  I've felt stuck recently.  I have so much and nothing to write about all at the same time.  So I am going to, for the month of May, log what has happened to us each day and see how it turns out.  I would love to hear about different topics that you would like to see me cover.  Give me fodder, people! :) Comment or email or message me, maybe if I have some direction, I will blog more often too. ;) 

A Venture into Gluten Free

As always with me I process, think, worry, talk, think, process some more, do some talking and then start my venture (whatever that may be).  In this case, it's going gluten free.  At first thought, I basically felt like "AAAAAH!!"  Then, I moved into thinking that it *had* to be a substitution game like it is with dairy.  We can easily live dairy free at this point, there has to be a similar learning curve with gluten.

I started pulling breads, crackers, cookies and the obvious gluten items (which gluten, btw is the protein in wheat... similarly Josh is allergic to the protein in milk. Gluten only gets tricky bc it's grown intermixed or near barley and/or oats, making them not-so-gluten free and wheat is used as a thickener in a lot of sauces and such.  At this point I'm not worried about the barley, oats, or sauces, but I am a step further than when I started.)

Then I researched, talked to gluten free folks (my mom and aunt mostly) and was given some gluten free cookbooks.  Then the wheels started turn and I realized I needed to get a mixture of gluten free flours to create a gluten free flour that would have a 1:1 swap out with wheat flour.

I headed to this AWESOME store near us that stocks all different natural foods.  I got sarghum flour, potato starch (they were out of tapioca flour), millet flour and came home to add these to my already almond flour, cocnut flour, xanthan gum, and buckwheat flour stash.

I found an amazing baking mix recipe:  (http://www.recipesfromhome-online.com/gluten-free-flour-mix.html)

Homemade Gluten Free Baking Mix #2

• 1 cup of sorghum flour

• 1 cup of tapioca flour

• 1/2 cup of millet flour

• 2 teaspoons of xanthan gum

And I went to town.  This morning I woke up raring to go.  I made pancakes out of my almond flour cookbook.  They were fluffy, tastey, and easy.  June said on the delicious scale, they were at the top. :)

(http://www.elanaspantry.com/pancakes/)

No wheat in those puppies, my friends... but delicious nonetheless! 

So I moved onto an apple crisp using my baking mix.  Admittedly, it was too cake-ish for me, but uh, take a step back... all I've ever heard from gluten free baking is that it tastes funny and is flat with a weird texture.  My apple crisp turn out CAKE-LIKE!  I count that as a success for the flour and I noted to "up" the apples and "half" the batter next time.

Lastly, as I type I am letting my gluten free pizza crust rise. EEE! We will see how it turns out but if I can master a pizza crust for my little GFCF (gluten free, casein -milk protien- free) Josh I will be THRILLED!  I can use Daiya cheese and my little man can have a totally safe pizza to enjoy.  

I'm sure there will be bumps but I am thrilled at the progress so far of going gluten free.  I haven't had to throw out a baked-good yet! ;)  More than that, the kids have liked everything they've tried so far... score! 

If you would have told me that I would have a big gluten and dairy free family as an adult I would have laughed at you.  I pictured myself with my 2 kids living in a big house, keeping up with the Joneses while living in normal suburbia.  HA! I wouldn't change a thing though.  Not that I enjoy all the food substitutions but it's totally worth it.  My family is thriving and we are creating our own path... 

Chaos

I'm sure moments like this are what I will miss and fondly remember years from now, but right now, like in this moment... it's chaos.

We are leaving for the beach tonight. Jim worked later than planned (surprise) and so I started bath early to get geared up for Jim coming home and us leaving for the beach.  Holy Moses.

Bath went fine.  Dressing them went fine.  Then chaos ensued. There was bouncing and yelling and giggling and shreaking and running and AHHHHHHH! All 3 were in the action equally.

Change of scenery.

We moved downstairs: more screaming and running and pouncing and tickling and laughing and whining and AHHHHH!

June got quiet time: 10 minutes laying on the couch.

So logically, Josh and Eliz kicked it up a notch.

Quiet time for Josh.  Didn't work.  So Josh got a bedroom time out.

June is still on his couch asking how many minutes left.  Josh is thundering around in his room and Eliz is crying at my feet in baby-toddler-tantrum fashion.  But it's MUCH calmer than it was, so I'll take it.

Wooooo... 30 more minutes until Daddy comes home... tick tock, tick tock





tick tock.

2011 Yearly Shots: ages 4, 2, and 12mo

I have been wanting to frame professional pictures of the kids since June was born.  I had this vision of their baby picture hanging, as well as a recent one.  I could never bring it to fruition because I always had a baby whose "baby" shot and "recent" shot were the same thing.  I've gotten many professional pictures done (read: JC Penney) in my day, but still none made it to the wall.  

This year I decided to try something different.  My friend Erin is a photographer.  (http://egmphotography.zenfolio.com/) She agreed to tackle teh challenge of getting a shot of each kid as well as group shots.  She nailed it!  Here is the album with our session photos: http://egmphotography.zenfolio.com/conradfamily

password: Susie 

In addition to that awesomeness, I decided that I WILL get my kids on the walls.  We are not in a short-transition house so let's do it! Wall art! 

I chose the wall space above our shoe bench, just after our entry way and this is how it turned out:

Not too shabby, eh?  I was pretty pleased with myself. ;)  Granted I still don't have a group shot hung, *but* I think the hallway looks a ton homey-er and MY KIDS ARE ON THE WALLS! 

I'm totally loving this area now.  I t'sfun to see their little smiling faces all neat and orderly on the wall, especially when they are not smiley or neat-and-clean in person. :) 

Oh and in addition, I totally did that on the cheap.  The frames are Walmart off their $3-5 rack and the photos were 50% at Walgreens.  I think I spent a total of under $40 to get the whole kaboodle hung. 

::pats self on back and goes to stare at the self-created masterpiece::  ;)

Elizabeth Sweet Pats

When I put Elizabeth down for nap, I hold her for a minute with her blankie on my shoulder.  She snuggles in and rests for a minute while I pat her back.  If that wasn't enough of a uber sweet moment, she started patting my back as I pat hers.  Feeling her little pudgy hand on my shoulder/back is beyond adorable. <3 Awwww sweet Eliz. <3

Toying with Gluten Free

I still need to update pictures about the beach but I'm going to jump into my latest pondering: gluten.

I don't have a lot of research done yet but from bits and pieces that I've heard and from good old mommy instinct, I think  I at least need to give it a shot: for Josh.  His weight still isn't where it should be and his diapers are still "off."  The poor peanut still has something that needs to be tweaked.  Medically we have exhausted tests with the GI.  That leaves the ball in my court.  Gluten.

I'm researching snacks to substitute and grains to use to make my own crackers and breads and breakfast goods.  I have blogs I'm following and hopefully this will be as painless as possible.  Heck, we are completely dairy free for Josh (we eat dairy but he's milk, casein, and whey free).  Why not make us more of an oddity and cut out wheat too! ;)

Whatever.... I'm learning my life isn't normal so bring on the side show acts. Anything for my babies...

OC, NJ 2011

A yearly tradition was started last year: Family Beach Vacation.  

My parents rent a beach house in Ocean City and all are welcome.  Last year went awesome and we are excited to be back this year.  We have hit another iffy week, weather wise but we are making the best of it.

The first day we were there: gloom

Doesn't stop us! The kids loved the beach anyway, and "let's play in the sand" turned into full swim fest with e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e soggy by the end.

Elizabeth is an ANIMAL.  She loves the sand and the water. No hesitation in this little firecracker.

Josh is my scardy cat.  He loves the sand but is afraid that his little 27lb self is going to get swept into the waves so unless you are holding him: no water for Josh.  He makes his own fun though.

Ohhhhhhhh June.  June is infatuated with the water.  He wants to be in it at all times. He was fully clothed but still ended up swimming that evening.  Thank goodness for Grandpap and Uncle Mark who were eternally willing to go in with him

NOT a pretty day but when you are at the beach you have to embrace what you have! <3 

(below is Eliz, me, Josh, June, my dad and my brother Mark)

Back we go...

Rinsed off and ready for bed...

Proof of Parks

There is nothing better in the Summer than a trip to the park.  Our lives almost revolve around park trips.  In the future things will change, I'm sure, as my kids become too cool for the park but for now, it's the biggest treat.  Park trips with my kids is what Summer is all about! 

\\

In a few short months it will be too cold for parks but for now... they are a daily occurrence. :) 

Family Photo 2011

First and foremost, I feel so much different and better than last week.  Thank the Heavens.

Secondly, I promise to jump back into posts about the kids and family life. ;)  Before I do I wanted to add this which I think is pretty awesome.  This family photo was taken a few weeks back.  I was 5 weeks pregnant.

This picture will forever be frozen with our 4 kids in it.  June, Josh, Elizabeth and Roch. <3  Obviously he is very very teeny, but he's there. And I think that's pretty cool. He's captured in time even though I've never had a ultrasound or any other recording of him besides a positive pregnancy test.

It warms me heart... and was eerily good timing. Here is our complete family photo:

Humble Blessings

It's been a week.

One very emotional, trying, growing, learning, feeling week.   I hope to not go through something like this week for a very very long time, but it hasn't been all bad.  There are parts, like the physical side of things that just suck.  There is no way around it.  That's a slap in the face.  But on the flip side, this has been positive in a few lights.

First and foremost, I'm not super-supreme-pregnant-woman.  We've conceived all 4 without trying.  Not even once.  It just happens for us.  And then... I have textbook pregnancies.  I have super low blood pressure, I don't gain too much weight, my body handles pregnancy, labor, and delivery well and my babies seem to thrive. There has never been a troubling spot in any of my pregnancies prior to this.

And ya know... all those thing combined gave me a cocky aire about pregnancy.  In fact, I was even a bit upset about some of those things.  With being open to life, I get frustrated that fertility returns before my babies turn 1.  I fear ending up with 15 kids and I kinda sorta long to be one of those moms whose fertility does return until months after they stop nursing.  So, prior to this week I had a different view of it all.  I never longed for a baby.  I never felt pain regarding pregnancies and children.

I see it differently now.  I feel blessed that I get pregnant so easily. Many people really really struggle and getting pregnant and more than that, I see the fragility of life.  God chose to keep Roch but I've been blessed with 3 others who have been entered into this life with no issues.   I pray that our next pregnancy goes easily and I anticipate that awesome time.  I'm excited at the prospect at getting another chance to grow another little one and hopefully, God willing, getting to meet that tiny bundle in all it's newborn perfection.

My outlook has changed and God has knocked me down a peg.  This has been another one of our many little, albeit trying, blessings.

Watch over us, Roch.  You will always always be in my heart. <3

Roch with God

Finally Sad

I think it finally hit me.  I'm sad.  At least for now.

I just got home from my OB's office.  I needed a rhogam shot bc I'm RH negative.   I was looking forward to going... seeing familiar faces.  I love my OB's office and I haven't been there in a year.  I walked away sad.  I shouldn't be there for a shot.  I should be there for a succession of appointments leading to the birth of my next baby.  It was weird.  Everyone loved seeing Elizabeth and it was all smiles while I was there.  But I want to be going there next week for my 8 week appointment.  I want to have my ultrasound on Monday.  I don't want to be starting over.  I want to be pregnant.  And right now... I'm just sad.

I'm not sad for the baby... I know he is fine.  I'm sad for me.  I have to start this journey all over again and with the new anxiety that this whole process could happen again.  I know the statistics: 85% of subsequent pregnancies are complication and miscarriage free.  But still... I'll worry next time and in this moment that is bothering me.  I want to see the future and know things will be fine.  That our next pregnancy will end in a healthy baby.  I want to know that we will be able to have a big family.

I realize a lot of my thoughts right now are not rational... it's just that for the first time, I feel sad and not even headed and "real" about the situation.  I should be 7 weeks pregnant, nauseous, and anticipating my ultrasound next Monday and OB appt Wed.  Instead... I wait.  I wait for the bleeding to stop.  I wait for my HCG numbers to hit zero again.  I wait to start another cycle.  I want to conceive and THEN I wait to see if this pregnancy is viable or if we will be reliving this pain and uncertainty.  And until all that happens... I wait.

HGC movin' down

Not that I didn't know what was going on, nor did I doubt the symptoms I was having, but I got my blood test results today to confirm things.  My HCG levels were already "very low" which signals that my body is doing a good job of clearing out on its own... no other intervention should be needed.  That is a good thing and low numbers were my "best case" scenario at this point.

I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready for Roch to watch us and pray for us and hold a spot up there for the rest of us when our time comes.  It stinks bc I really just want this week to be over more than anything.  I'm done with the physical side of things and part of me really just wants to flash forward, but going through this week should also be healing.  I'm doing a lot of talking, a lot of thinking, and I really do feel like I'm in a good place.  I'm not happy that we lost this baby. We were anticipating an ultrasound and OB appt next week, telling family the weeks after that, and meeting our 4th in April.  God had other plans and I'm at the point that I am ok with that.

We just keep chugging along...  the kids are oblivious but I've openly talked to people in front of them so they have to know something is going on.  I don't know whether to tell them or let them read it here when they are older, but for now we are coping and healing and looking towards the future but very much fully living in the present.

One day at a time... loving those around me and feeling closer to God than I have in a long time.  I've never lost faith or anything, but I feel very personal this week.  Roch was meant for something and I think he's teaching me more than I anticipated.  I'm respecting life and pregnancy more... I'm enjoying and really amazed at the 3 that I have (I can't believe I made them... from scratch... to completion and they are absolutely perfect -to me-).  Ok Jim and I made them.  That's the other side of this.  My blog is very "Susie's head" and I often leave Jim out of it (not for any particular reason... I'm not a gushy person nor and I going to write about rough patches so the highs and lows on here are focused on me and the kids), anyway... he's been here this week understanding. feeling, and just being through all of it. It's been a bonding week, I think.

And the kicker, he's been dealing with major tooth pain all week and will have a root canal tomorrow.  Trouper, I tell ya.

So that's where I am... lowering number and an overwhelming desire to MOVE ON.  Like jump into subsequent weeks, but here I am, processing... learning... and experiencing another facet of life. :)

Roch: a little life

For the last 3 weeks I've hidden (once again) the secret that another Conrad baby was about to join our family.  Early August we found out that we were expecting again.  I was to be due on Jim's birthday: April 10th.

All went well... I was approaching 7 weeks and then Sunday happened. All week I hadn't had nausea, which is weird since morning sickness HITS at 6 weeks.  I chalked it up to an easy pregnancy or maybe me just being proactive about combating it this time.  Whatever the reason I had brought up miscarriage several times to Jim.  The pregnancy was certainly different.  Still, I didn't expect to miscarry.  I woke up Sunday morning at 6:21am to Josh already playing downstairs.  I took him back to bed and before I got back to my room, it started.  I began to miscarry my little one.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind that it was over. Talk about a new experience and a gamut of emotions. Woo.  I showered, got ready, woke up Jim and told him.  We went to Mass and lunch as usual.  

We called my OB and I continued to progress through the day.  We got blood work today to check my HCG levels and that will tell whether I am miscarrying for certain.  I hope to hear tomorrow.  

I have done a lot of talking to family and friends who have gone through the same thing.  It has really helped.  In my heart of hearts I just want to move forward with this week and have this behind me.  It started to happen, I can't stop it, and I just want to push through and move on. 

I was told to name the baby to help me heal.  I didn't feel connected to a baby at all... but I agreed and went searching for a name today. I thought I would pick a saint's name.  I started miscarrying August 21st.  St. Roch's feast day. Wow. If you know Jim and my past, St. Roch's Parish was crucial in the formation of Jim and I.  That itty bitty Latin Mass parish played such a big role in our lives. Msgr. Moss was the pastor there and married us.  We were the first Latin wedding in 38 years for him... and his last.  St. Roch is also the patron saint of illness.  If you know me, I'm a bit nutty and anxiety ridden when it comes to sick kids.  I've always respected St. Roch for throwing his weight around in Heaven for the sake of healing human sickness.  Honoring St Roch by giving our baby his name, just feels like a perfect fit.  Little Roch was our 4th that we never got to see, feel, or hold.  But he was real.  He existed, even if only for a few weeks.  He was about the size of a pea and had a beating heart, assuming that he didn't pass before I got to 6 weeks.

I still have a process ahead of me.  This is only day 2.  I go up and down with emotions but generally I'm ok.  We were to have a 21 month gap.  Close in age again, so I feel like maybe this is a blessing as we will be given a bigger gap, naturally.  It wasn't meant to be and that's ok.  The physical process should take about a week and then my body will hopefully click right back into rhythm.  We still hope for a large family and are open to life.  Hopefully in the coming months I will have good news to share, but for now we are waiting out this process, going through the motions and emotions, though really... I'm alright.  

I always said that God knows what's best and when we were given 3 kids very close in age, I trusted Him.  Even when I felt entirely insane and not always the best mother, I had faith that God gave me these 3 for a reason.  They were meant to be with me and close in age to each other.  I feel there is a reason for God deciding to take this little one too.  Perhaps we needed a cheerleader in Heaven.  Roch will watch us from here and I'd like to think that Grammam is sitting up there rocking his little soul since I never got the chance to. <3 

It's a bittersweet mix of emotions and the last 2 days have been like nothing I've experienced before but I'm thankful.  I can now be honestly compassionate towards those who have suffered a miscarriage.  I am not super woman with super pregnancies.  I have glitches too.  This has been humbling and I continue to walk through and try to move forward. 

And one thing is more than certain:  I appreciate the perfectly formed little lives that I already have.  It's amazing how much I enjoyed being around my 3 when I realized how fragile life really can be, <3 

God is good. 

Warm Weather = Love

I can't get over how much I have adored it being summer.  Having the kids in light clothes, going out to the park, strolling around the neighborhood, playing in our baby pool, and simply soaking in the sun has been wonderful this year.  

We planted sunflowers this year and watched them grow from bitty things.  They are MASSIVE.  Actually, they look goofy in front of the house but I think the kids like them and it's been fun to see them grow so we will ride them out this year.  They are pretty though! 

And we keep attracting these beautfil black and yellow birds.  They are soooo pretty and I managed to get a shot of one of them recently:

Isn't he cute? It's been fun... and all part of summer.  I hope fall and winter bring fun adventures too... my crew has certainly enjoyed summer! 

Little Feet

The other night I went in to check on Josh (I do it every night before bed) and his little foot was sticking out.  It made me stop in my tracks and look.  It's still so teeny.  What a cute bitty 2 year old he is.  And last night Eliz dropped her binker so I went in to give it back.  After I popped it in her mouth she flopped back on her belly, butt in the air. So stinking cute.  I stood there for a while patting her back and soaking in her cuteness.  And June, the master and biggest of the crew... he's still bitty too.  He acts like top-dog but he's still pint sized as well.

And I'm enjoying it.  They are all miniature and soaking up life by the gallon.  They are impressionable and learning and such good ages.  They are mine.  Little and busy and learning and mine.  Cool, no?