Roch: a little life

For the last 3 weeks I've hidden (once again) the secret that another Conrad baby was about to join our family.  Early August we found out that we were expecting again.  I was to be due on Jim's birthday: April 10th.

All went well... I was approaching 7 weeks and then Sunday happened. All week I hadn't had nausea, which is weird since morning sickness HITS at 6 weeks.  I chalked it up to an easy pregnancy or maybe me just being proactive about combating it this time.  Whatever the reason I had brought up miscarriage several times to Jim.  The pregnancy was certainly different.  Still, I didn't expect to miscarry.  I woke up Sunday morning at 6:21am to Josh already playing downstairs.  I took him back to bed and before I got back to my room, it started.  I began to miscarry my little one.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind that it was over. Talk about a new experience and a gamut of emotions. Woo.  I showered, got ready, woke up Jim and told him.  We went to Mass and lunch as usual.  

We called my OB and I continued to progress through the day.  We got blood work today to check my HCG levels and that will tell whether I am miscarrying for certain.  I hope to hear tomorrow.  

I have done a lot of talking to family and friends who have gone through the same thing.  It has really helped.  In my heart of hearts I just want to move forward with this week and have this behind me.  It started to happen, I can't stop it, and I just want to push through and move on. 

I was told to name the baby to help me heal.  I didn't feel connected to a baby at all... but I agreed and went searching for a name today. I thought I would pick a saint's name.  I started miscarrying August 21st.  St. Roch's feast day. Wow. If you know Jim and my past, St. Roch's Parish was crucial in the formation of Jim and I.  That itty bitty Latin Mass parish played such a big role in our lives. Msgr. Moss was the pastor there and married us.  We were the first Latin wedding in 38 years for him... and his last.  St. Roch is also the patron saint of illness.  If you know me, I'm a bit nutty and anxiety ridden when it comes to sick kids.  I've always respected St. Roch for throwing his weight around in Heaven for the sake of healing human sickness.  Honoring St Roch by giving our baby his name, just feels like a perfect fit.  Little Roch was our 4th that we never got to see, feel, or hold.  But he was real.  He existed, even if only for a few weeks.  He was about the size of a pea and had a beating heart, assuming that he didn't pass before I got to 6 weeks.

I still have a process ahead of me.  This is only day 2.  I go up and down with emotions but generally I'm ok.  We were to have a 21 month gap.  Close in age again, so I feel like maybe this is a blessing as we will be given a bigger gap, naturally.  It wasn't meant to be and that's ok.  The physical process should take about a week and then my body will hopefully click right back into rhythm.  We still hope for a large family and are open to life.  Hopefully in the coming months I will have good news to share, but for now we are waiting out this process, going through the motions and emotions, though really... I'm alright.  

I always said that God knows what's best and when we were given 3 kids very close in age, I trusted Him.  Even when I felt entirely insane and not always the best mother, I had faith that God gave me these 3 for a reason.  They were meant to be with me and close in age to each other.  I feel there is a reason for God deciding to take this little one too.  Perhaps we needed a cheerleader in Heaven.  Roch will watch us from here and I'd like to think that Grammam is sitting up there rocking his little soul since I never got the chance to. <3 

It's a bittersweet mix of emotions and the last 2 days have been like nothing I've experienced before but I'm thankful.  I can now be honestly compassionate towards those who have suffered a miscarriage.  I am not super woman with super pregnancies.  I have glitches too.  This has been humbling and I continue to walk through and try to move forward. 

And one thing is more than certain:  I appreciate the perfectly formed little lives that I already have.  It's amazing how much I enjoyed being around my 3 when I realized how fragile life really can be, <3 

God is good.