Family Photo 2011

First and foremost, I feel so much different and better than last week.  Thank the Heavens.

Secondly, I promise to jump back into posts about the kids and family life. ;)  Before I do I wanted to add this which I think is pretty awesome.  This family photo was taken a few weeks back.  I was 5 weeks pregnant.

This picture will forever be frozen with our 4 kids in it.  June, Josh, Elizabeth and Roch. <3  Obviously he is very very teeny, but he's there. And I think that's pretty cool. He's captured in time even though I've never had a ultrasound or any other recording of him besides a positive pregnancy test.

It warms me heart... and was eerily good timing. Here is our complete family photo:

Humble Blessings

It's been a week.

One very emotional, trying, growing, learning, feeling week.   I hope to not go through something like this week for a very very long time, but it hasn't been all bad.  There are parts, like the physical side of things that just suck.  There is no way around it.  That's a slap in the face.  But on the flip side, this has been positive in a few lights.

First and foremost, I'm not super-supreme-pregnant-woman.  We've conceived all 4 without trying.  Not even once.  It just happens for us.  And then... I have textbook pregnancies.  I have super low blood pressure, I don't gain too much weight, my body handles pregnancy, labor, and delivery well and my babies seem to thrive. There has never been a troubling spot in any of my pregnancies prior to this.

And ya know... all those thing combined gave me a cocky aire about pregnancy.  In fact, I was even a bit upset about some of those things.  With being open to life, I get frustrated that fertility returns before my babies turn 1.  I fear ending up with 15 kids and I kinda sorta long to be one of those moms whose fertility does return until months after they stop nursing.  So, prior to this week I had a different view of it all.  I never longed for a baby.  I never felt pain regarding pregnancies and children.

I see it differently now.  I feel blessed that I get pregnant so easily. Many people really really struggle and getting pregnant and more than that, I see the fragility of life.  God chose to keep Roch but I've been blessed with 3 others who have been entered into this life with no issues.   I pray that our next pregnancy goes easily and I anticipate that awesome time.  I'm excited at the prospect at getting another chance to grow another little one and hopefully, God willing, getting to meet that tiny bundle in all it's newborn perfection.

My outlook has changed and God has knocked me down a peg.  This has been another one of our many little, albeit trying, blessings.

Watch over us, Roch.  You will always always be in my heart. <3

Roch with God

Finally Sad

I think it finally hit me.  I'm sad.  At least for now.

I just got home from my OB's office.  I needed a rhogam shot bc I'm RH negative.   I was looking forward to going... seeing familiar faces.  I love my OB's office and I haven't been there in a year.  I walked away sad.  I shouldn't be there for a shot.  I should be there for a succession of appointments leading to the birth of my next baby.  It was weird.  Everyone loved seeing Elizabeth and it was all smiles while I was there.  But I want to be going there next week for my 8 week appointment.  I want to have my ultrasound on Monday.  I don't want to be starting over.  I want to be pregnant.  And right now... I'm just sad.

I'm not sad for the baby... I know he is fine.  I'm sad for me.  I have to start this journey all over again and with the new anxiety that this whole process could happen again.  I know the statistics: 85% of subsequent pregnancies are complication and miscarriage free.  But still... I'll worry next time and in this moment that is bothering me.  I want to see the future and know things will be fine.  That our next pregnancy will end in a healthy baby.  I want to know that we will be able to have a big family.

I realize a lot of my thoughts right now are not rational... it's just that for the first time, I feel sad and not even headed and "real" about the situation.  I should be 7 weeks pregnant, nauseous, and anticipating my ultrasound next Monday and OB appt Wed.  Instead... I wait.  I wait for the bleeding to stop.  I wait for my HCG numbers to hit zero again.  I wait to start another cycle.  I want to conceive and THEN I wait to see if this pregnancy is viable or if we will be reliving this pain and uncertainty.  And until all that happens... I wait.

HGC movin' down

Not that I didn't know what was going on, nor did I doubt the symptoms I was having, but I got my blood test results today to confirm things.  My HCG levels were already "very low" which signals that my body is doing a good job of clearing out on its own... no other intervention should be needed.  That is a good thing and low numbers were my "best case" scenario at this point.

I'm ready to move on.  I'm ready for Roch to watch us and pray for us and hold a spot up there for the rest of us when our time comes.  It stinks bc I really just want this week to be over more than anything.  I'm done with the physical side of things and part of me really just wants to flash forward, but going through this week should also be healing.  I'm doing a lot of talking, a lot of thinking, and I really do feel like I'm in a good place.  I'm not happy that we lost this baby. We were anticipating an ultrasound and OB appt next week, telling family the weeks after that, and meeting our 4th in April.  God had other plans and I'm at the point that I am ok with that.

We just keep chugging along...  the kids are oblivious but I've openly talked to people in front of them so they have to know something is going on.  I don't know whether to tell them or let them read it here when they are older, but for now we are coping and healing and looking towards the future but very much fully living in the present.

One day at a time... loving those around me and feeling closer to God than I have in a long time.  I've never lost faith or anything, but I feel very personal this week.  Roch was meant for something and I think he's teaching me more than I anticipated.  I'm respecting life and pregnancy more... I'm enjoying and really amazed at the 3 that I have (I can't believe I made them... from scratch... to completion and they are absolutely perfect -to me-).  Ok Jim and I made them.  That's the other side of this.  My blog is very "Susie's head" and I often leave Jim out of it (not for any particular reason... I'm not a gushy person nor and I going to write about rough patches so the highs and lows on here are focused on me and the kids), anyway... he's been here this week understanding. feeling, and just being through all of it. It's been a bonding week, I think.

And the kicker, he's been dealing with major tooth pain all week and will have a root canal tomorrow.  Trouper, I tell ya.

So that's where I am... lowering number and an overwhelming desire to MOVE ON.  Like jump into subsequent weeks, but here I am, processing... learning... and experiencing another facet of life. :)

Roch: a little life

For the last 3 weeks I've hidden (once again) the secret that another Conrad baby was about to join our family.  Early August we found out that we were expecting again.  I was to be due on Jim's birthday: April 10th.

All went well... I was approaching 7 weeks and then Sunday happened. All week I hadn't had nausea, which is weird since morning sickness HITS at 6 weeks.  I chalked it up to an easy pregnancy or maybe me just being proactive about combating it this time.  Whatever the reason I had brought up miscarriage several times to Jim.  The pregnancy was certainly different.  Still, I didn't expect to miscarry.  I woke up Sunday morning at 6:21am to Josh already playing downstairs.  I took him back to bed and before I got back to my room, it started.  I began to miscarry my little one.  There wasn't a doubt in my mind that it was over. Talk about a new experience and a gamut of emotions. Woo.  I showered, got ready, woke up Jim and told him.  We went to Mass and lunch as usual.  

We called my OB and I continued to progress through the day.  We got blood work today to check my HCG levels and that will tell whether I am miscarrying for certain.  I hope to hear tomorrow.  

I have done a lot of talking to family and friends who have gone through the same thing.  It has really helped.  In my heart of hearts I just want to move forward with this week and have this behind me.  It started to happen, I can't stop it, and I just want to push through and move on. 

I was told to name the baby to help me heal.  I didn't feel connected to a baby at all... but I agreed and went searching for a name today. I thought I would pick a saint's name.  I started miscarrying August 21st.  St. Roch's feast day. Wow. If you know Jim and my past, St. Roch's Parish was crucial in the formation of Jim and I.  That itty bitty Latin Mass parish played such a big role in our lives. Msgr. Moss was the pastor there and married us.  We were the first Latin wedding in 38 years for him... and his last.  St. Roch is also the patron saint of illness.  If you know me, I'm a bit nutty and anxiety ridden when it comes to sick kids.  I've always respected St. Roch for throwing his weight around in Heaven for the sake of healing human sickness.  Honoring St Roch by giving our baby his name, just feels like a perfect fit.  Little Roch was our 4th that we never got to see, feel, or hold.  But he was real.  He existed, even if only for a few weeks.  He was about the size of a pea and had a beating heart, assuming that he didn't pass before I got to 6 weeks.

I still have a process ahead of me.  This is only day 2.  I go up and down with emotions but generally I'm ok.  We were to have a 21 month gap.  Close in age again, so I feel like maybe this is a blessing as we will be given a bigger gap, naturally.  It wasn't meant to be and that's ok.  The physical process should take about a week and then my body will hopefully click right back into rhythm.  We still hope for a large family and are open to life.  Hopefully in the coming months I will have good news to share, but for now we are waiting out this process, going through the motions and emotions, though really... I'm alright.  

I always said that God knows what's best and when we were given 3 kids very close in age, I trusted Him.  Even when I felt entirely insane and not always the best mother, I had faith that God gave me these 3 for a reason.  They were meant to be with me and close in age to each other.  I feel there is a reason for God deciding to take this little one too.  Perhaps we needed a cheerleader in Heaven.  Roch will watch us from here and I'd like to think that Grammam is sitting up there rocking his little soul since I never got the chance to. <3 

It's a bittersweet mix of emotions and the last 2 days have been like nothing I've experienced before but I'm thankful.  I can now be honestly compassionate towards those who have suffered a miscarriage.  I am not super woman with super pregnancies.  I have glitches too.  This has been humbling and I continue to walk through and try to move forward. 

And one thing is more than certain:  I appreciate the perfectly formed little lives that I already have.  It's amazing how much I enjoyed being around my 3 when I realized how fragile life really can be, <3 

God is good. 

An update of sorts

Sunday evening both kids started getting sick again.  After laying in bed and thinking, thinking, thinking, I decided that I had to see Dr. J to get some perspective.  I called her Friday and was quickly brushed off and told that it's teeth and kids get sick. I *know* kids get sick and if this was our 3rd virus, fine, my kids are prone to catching this... but after EIGHT and this being the 4th and 6th days of it, I wanted peace of mind.

Jim agreed to go into work late and I was able to get a first appointment Monday morning.  Dr. J sat and talked to us about *everything.*  She seriously sat with us for like 20 minutes and went over everything from the duration, symptoms, Josh's concerns with his bloodowork, solutions... e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

The "bad" news is, there's no answer.  My kids may in fact be prone to this. ::sideways glance and sigh:: But the good news is that I felt like I was listened to and I was able to rule out a few things *and* I'll follow up with our GI in February and see what he has to say.

Some things I learned:

1. Not mold: Mold = lung problems
2. Josh's cycling white counts: even if he indeed has cycling neupenia, there's nothing you can do but ride out the low cycles. I worried about hospitalizations and scary stuff if he does sometimes have low white counts.
3. Josh's Malabsorbtion: His stools came back good... blood shows malabsorbtion.  Basically, ignore the blood.  If his intestines are pulling the proper nutrients out, that's all we need.
4. Claritin: There are hystemine receptors in your stomach that can "up" the nausea sensation and could be why they are still getting sick at night. ? I am not wording it how Dr. J was but bottom line I've been ordered to keep them on Claritin until they are past this.  They haven't gotten sick the last 2 nights, so I'm sticking with it.

So anyway, here we are still in sick mode. They seem ok, but I'm not letting them fool me.  I'm pretty sure I'm cancelling all (ok, most.... I NEED to go to MOPS next week) activities for the next 2 weeks to try to get them over this *and* rebuild their immune system.

On the up-side.  I'm sitting at my computer at 7:59am, I'm the only one up, I got a while blog post written, and I am watching the snowfall in the back yard. Life is good.

Spoke too soon

::Sigh::

So my big blabbering about a fructose malabsorbtion... I'm not so sure today.  Josh definitely has a virus.  He got sick Tuesday night, once Wednesday and a few times last night. He is still not running at 100%. Soooo... who knows.  I think possibly my house is just predisposed to puke. Bummer.

A Buried Worry... back again

I'm telling you... this mom thing, not easy.

Josh got sick again last night... 2:00-7:30. Oy. The thing that gets me is that he was just sick 2 weeks ago and 2 before that.  The sickness in December was a virus.  June and Jim had it too.  2 weeks ago seemed like something he ate and the verdict is still out about last night, but my hunch is that it was food related too.

Each time I go through my head and think about what he's had the day before.  I can't speak for the summer/fall illnesses specifically but I know that the 2 nights o' puke in January were preceded by a normal, even bland, diet. *but* I believe that both times he had orange juice.  I know oranges don't go well for Josh so he doesn't eat them but from time to time I give him way diluted OJ.  He had 2 cups full last night and I remember him having OJ 2 weeks ago too.  Honestly, because I usually steer him clear of it, I think the only times he's had orange juice was the 2 nights that he got sick.

So my wheels start turning and I delve into Dr Google.  What did I find today?  Fructose Intolerance/Malabsorbtion.  It explains more than just the acute vomiting but also, excessive sleepiness which he's had in the past and malabsorbtion.  Even when he was doing pretty well with being off milk, his blood still came back with signs of malabsorbtion.  This would fit that missing piece.  The more I read, the more I'm sold on fructose malabsorbtion.  We'll see what Dr. H has to say in February.

Here is the best info I found:
https://health.google.com/health/ref/Hereditary+fructose+intolerance
http://www.allergyadvisor.com/educational/sept2002.htm
http://www.foodintol.com/sugar.asp#common

We have an appt in February and need to get blood work beforehand.  I'm going to do the blood work soon so that if it comes back "funny" they can test again before the appt *and* I'm going bring up this possible new intolerance.

The amount of puke that has decended upon out house has baffled me and maybe this is it?  One can hope.  In the meanwhile I have something new to worry about with Josh.  Whenever something like this comes up I worry about what I've "done" to Josh by not catching all this sooner.  I do need to remember that we started with specialists when he was 15 months old to track down what was wrong but it still nags at me that there could be something going wrong inside his little body and I still don't know what it is.

When Josh was born, I asked "why you?" Jim and I didn't prevent pregnancy so the first possible time that we could get pregnant with baby2, we did.  I wondered why God chose Josh for me, for us,... it was an amazing feeling and though.  I didn't expect it to manifest itself in this way but maybe Josh is here to teach me something... he is different than June and we'll see where Elizabeth falls, but he's unique and is constantly pushing me to stretch my comfort zone, go beyond the normal, and think outside the box.  I just hope that what is discovered for Josh isn't ever something devastating.  That nags at me to but hopefully that's just mommy guilt being overactive. *sigh*

Aaaaaaand he just threw up again, so maybe it's a virus. My worry for Josh doesn't leave but maybe today is less chronic issue and more acute virus?

God grant me the serenity...

Stomach Bug Epidemic

I come to you from a Lysol scented room typing with raw over-washed hands... our house has experienced something that I could have never imagined.  I feel like I'm being a drama queen, but read on.  I think you'll concur.  We have yet another stomach bug. Another. Like not our 3rd for the year but the 

SEVENTH. Seven. S.e.v.e.n. SEVEN!  

Here is our run down, just for kicks: 

1. May 2010 - June - 24 hours

2. June 2010 - Josh - 3 weeks - June - 5 days - Jim - 3 days

3. July 2010 - Josh - 24 hours

4. August 2010 - June - 24 hours

5. October 2010 - Josh - 24 hours

6. December 2010 - June - 3 days - Josh - 24 hours - Jim - 48 hours

7. January 2011 - Josh - ??  (there could be more casualties... it's early still...)

We've gotten anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months of a break, no longer. 

Now if you know me at all, you'll know that I grew up with a fear of puke.  Severe fear.  Apparently there is a name for it and all: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emetophobia Cool beans.

Anyway, I come here today to do 2 things: 1. get this recent pukeage off my chest and 2. give a run down on some of the things I learned over the last 7 months. I should have a PhD in stomach bugs at this point.  I'm well versed. 

Ok, so I can't stop stomach bugs from coming... they keep happening.  I lysol everything, now clean with bleach and wash hands often.  The kids aren't in school & I avoid big play dates, play places and the like this time of year. I really feel like I have my bases covered.  Maybe my kids are just super prone to catching puke bugs? 

Anyway, here are my top tips: 

When puke strikes you need a few essentials:

•  A "Bucket"
• I've found that a shallow, wide, bigger sized tupperware does the best.  You can hold it without being too close to the spillage and it can easily be set on their bed for future episodes.  Even my 2 year old can properly use this bucket (that actually impressed me last night). 
• Towels
• ...like massive beach towels.  Why? Because after the all-too-likely middle of the night bed puke you want to safeguard the fresh sheets with your life.  Or you could risk doing laundry all night and what fun is that?!  Lay the towel over their pillow and along the bed.  The towel transfers to the couch in the morning for daytime protection. If the towel gets soiled, throw it in the wash.  I'll list my procedures for that a little later.
• Wipes
• Little mouths/chins need some cleaning sometimes. 
• Pedialyte or Gatorade (depending on the age of the child)
• Per our pediatrician, use pedialyte for under 3 and over 3 Gatorade is fine.
• Their little bodies need re-hydration and they'll inevitably ask for something to sip and I've read that water can make symptoms worse.  
• Once they get sick, I throw the juice in the fridge and usually an hour or 2 later when they ask for a sip, it's chilled and ready to go. 
• A Good Laundry Procedure
• At 2 am, you need something tried and true that you can complete without much alertness.  I gather up the bedding, pjs, etc and put it in the wash on hot with a detergent with bleach.  You want those germs DEAD. Bleach detergent will do it.  What about stink? I have a water bottle full of vinegar by the washer. A quirt of that where the fabric softener goes will knock it right out.
• A Sleeping Spot
• If your little one is little you'll want a place to sleep close to them... at least until it's all out of their system.  
• We've had 2 things work well.
• We bring the toddler mattress into our room and let the kids sleep on that, right by the bathroom door.  Easy clean-up and minimal noise available to siblings since our room is tucked away from the kids' rooms.  Plus super close access to the kids when they feel icky.
• Hall way sleepage.  So that I can hear the other 2, I'll sleep in the hall with my head right by the boys' room so that I can be to the sick one easily but still hear the others. 
• Food
• Plenty of snacks and bland food are needed on hand bc enevitably they'll be hungry but you'll be leary to let them eat.  I stick with:
• Crackers
• Toast
• Pretzels
• Chicken Soup
• Bananas
• Apple Sauce
• Basically I stick with starchy carb-like food that will be easy on their bellies and not an art show if it happens to come back up.
• Cleaners
• Once a bug hits the Lysol spray, Chlorox wipes, and cleaner come out. I go to town with the Lysol.  I spray anything that I think the sickling touched.  I try to disinfect areas that are likely *not* to be used again for a while first.  Its like shoveling in a snow storm to completely Lysol common areas... I try throughout the day but don't stress too too much because I know little hands will inevitably touch them again within minutes. 
• Wash Your Hands
• It's as simple as that... whenever you've dealt with the sick little or have touched something iffy, wash or sanitize.  You want to minimize the spread as best as you can. 

Soooooooooooo... I think that's about it.  

I'm signing off from a sick house in hopes that this particular bug does not spread. 

One can hope... dream? 

Whatever, let me live in my disillusion. ;)

Funkified With A New Perspective

Look at my blog.  Take a gander.

Don't see much eh?  Boring... possibly lame?

I know.  I stink.

When Josh was born, life was good... on the outside.  Inwardly, I was starting to get overwhelmed. Life got harder with 2 under 2 and I constantly heard how together I was or how I made things look easy.  Those are great compliments... they are! Buuut, they started to send me into my own petty downward spiral.  It wasn't easy.  I was overwhelmed, had a hard time keeping up with life, and got bitter towards a lot. I was in a funk. On the surface, life was good... inwardly I was feeling selfish and entitled to an easier go of things.  Little did I know life would hand me a good dosing of perspective right when I needed it.

That very funk lasted about a year and a half.  It got worse before it got better but I'm thankful that it did.  In October 2009 I got pregnant with Elizabeth. Josh was 11 months old, June was 2 and the whole pregnancy just ended up being... hard.  My morning sickness sucked... bad.  It lasted almost 20 weeks. 20 weeks of extreme fatigue, constant headaches, and 24/7 nausea.  After it lifted, the focus switched to Josh.   He was not growing as rapidly as he should be, his diapers were continually looking ick, and he was upset most of the day.  We started on the journey to figure out what was going on in his little system and went through an allergist then eventually a GI Dr.  From March 2010 - June 2010 we determined his symptoms were stemming from a milk protein allergy and took all dairy out of his diet.

Just when things were calming with Josh's milk allergy (or so we kinda thought... more on that as time goes on), rotavirus hit.  I don't know if you are familiar with this virus but it's the ultimate stomach bug.  Both ends in termoil, lasting for.ever, and (get this!) the virus is "stable" in the environment.  It won't die (even outside the body) unless disinfected with bleach. That virus is the mother of all beasts.  Seriously, I wouldn't wish that chaos on my absolute worst enemy.  For about 3 weeks we handled symptoms of pukage and watery diarrhea, sanitizing everything and washing more sheets than I ever thought possible.  Everyone got it but me.  If I had it, it likely would have thrown me into labor...the day rotavirus started here was the very day I turned 37 weeks.  From 37 weeks literally until my due date we battled this monster.  It sucked, to put it lightly.

The very next day, very next, I was induced with Elizabeth. And here comes perspective... handed to me on a shiny silver platter.

No escaping it... normal life (even a life with 3, 3 and under with all it's "hard" work) looked reeeeeeal good.  Normal life looked leaps and bounds better than that nasty all consuming virus.  Normal life looked better than all the ups and downs that could happen.  Normal life looked... normal. Enjoyable even. Comical at times, but certainly not as "whoa is me" as I made it out to be. Nope.  It's just not.  Sure the day to day isn't cake... but what is?!

So here I am.  I can appreciate the comedy that is going to come from life with three littles and a husband working to support us while pursuing a Masters.  It's fun... it's crazy... join me! This is our new norm. We want a big family... God is spacing our children... and I stay home.  All these things create a little more depth, a little more character to our situation. And I'm back to document it all.

Hold me to it.  Here I am. Fresh perspective, no funk.  I'm real and I'm here to jot down day to day ramblings .  I don't promise to always be happy.  I don't promise to be super witty and always entertaining. I don't promise to wow you with my posts.  I do promise to bring you along and give you a glimpse at life as I know it. :)

Here we go...